


Of All the Pretty Girls

by burkiebeans



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: "and they were roommates!", "oh my god they were roommates.", Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Boarding School, Gender Dysphoria, Insecurity, M/M, Slow Burn, Trans Male Character, patrick is a good captain, trans jamie
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-28
Updated: 2018-11-27
Packaged: 2019-01-25 09:19:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 21
Words: 39,383
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12528088
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/burkiebeans/pseuds/burkiebeans
Summary: Jamie's got a roommate, Tyler is overly-excited, and Jordie's just trying to be a good older brother.





	1. Chapter 1

Jamie wasn’t one to talk much- or ever. At least that’s what his teammates had concluded when he and his brother showed up to their practice (and their school) one day, with only a fair warning by their captain, Patrick.

_“Boys, Northway is welcoming two new players into the school. Their names are Jordie and Jamie Benn. They are both ranked fairly well in their age groups back in Victoria, so I would appreciate if you all would make them feel welcome.” ___

__Yeah like that was gonna do a whole lot. Northway is a pretty hard school to get into, unless you are a hockey god. Then, it’s pretty easy, since that’s what they pride themselves on. Well, that and education. But then again, it’s a rarity to see someone new at the school. Especially two new faces, two new faces who were brothers._ _

__Tyler had heard the chirp in the locker room about the Benn brothers while they were getting ready for practice. Apparently, Jordie was the older brother, but there wasn’t a lot of information on Jamie that they could dig up. Only that he was 15, the same age as Ty, and a fairly good hockey player. When Patrick had walked back into the room after a meeting with coach, he was irritated at the guys for looking him up. Curiosity had gotten the better of them, it's not like they were actually going to meet the two guys in an hour._ _

__After everyone was suited up, they all went out to get a stretched and warmed up. They got into passing partners and did a few drills while Patrick was by the benches talking to the Benn’s. Tyler tried his best to catch a glance at them, but Val was getting fed up with him missing the puck and slapped him in the leg with a shot. Soon enough, coach blew his whistle and they were all gathered in a circle where Jordie and Jamie were standing._ _

__“Alright guys. This is Jordie,” Jordie waved his hand a little, “and this is Jamie.” Jamie looked up from his concentrated spot on the ice. He did a quick glance around before quickly lifting up his hand then dropping it._ _

__“Jordie will be on defence, and Jamie forward.” coach said before ushering them into shuttle lines._ _

__Practice was over before they knew it, and they had the rest of the Saturday to themselves. Tyler skated around a little after everyone was off the ice, just to get some more practice in, but soon retracted and made his way to the locker room._ _

__A lot of the guys were showering, and the rest of them were either waiting for an open shower or getting dressed. Jordie was talking to Jason, which wasn’t unusual. Jason is a pretty talkative person, and it looked like Jordie was too. Jamie wasn’t anywhere to be seen though. His locker was basically empty, besides his skates and pads._ _

__“That’s odd.” Tyler thought. No one had left yet except for him. He must shower quickly._ _

__Ty just shrugged it off and started to take off his gear. He grabbed a towel and made his way over to the showers so he could wash himself. When he finally got out, the locker room was empty except for Patrick, a few of the seniors… and Jamie?_ _

__Jamie was sitting in his locker stall unwrapping his stick. He definitely hadn't showered yet, seeing as though he was still wearing his under shirt and some shorts. Tyler walked over to his stall, which was next to Jamie’s. They paired the guys together by grade, so they could get to know eachother better. Tyler, currently, was one of three freshman. Jamie would make a 4th, so they would be roommates on trips and locker mates at home._ _

__“Hey dude” Tyler said as he got back to his locker, holding his towel snug around his waist._ _

__Jamie jumped a little, probably startled, but nonetheless looked up at the boy in front of him and acknowledged him._ _

__“Oh, hey.”_ _

__He put his stick by his side and looked back up at Tyler as he began talking._ _

__“You know the showers are open right?” Tyler said as he looked Jamie up and down again._ _

__The kid was small. Not incredibly skinny, but not tall._ _

__“Y-yeah. Thanks.” He picked up his bag and walked over to the shower room. “Weird.” Tyler thought again. First he disappears, then he waits to shower. Maybe he was just insecure or something. It wasn’t Tyler’s business anyways, but he was a curious guy._ _

__He got dressed and walked out of the room with his duffle. By know it was empty except for the sound of the shower. He walked into the warm summer air; there was nothing like year round hockey to get him excited. Originally, he was gonna go off campus with some juniors to see a movie, but his brighter side got the best of him and he decided to finish his homework. After all, it was only Saturday. He’d have up until curfew, 10 o’clock for freshman, to get back on campus. He also had all of Sunday until 8, so it wasn’t like he was at a loss for time._ _

__When Tyler got to his room, he threw down his bag in the corner and went straight for his desktop. Thankfully, Tyler never had a roommate. When he came in 6th grade, they had never assigned him one because of the off number of students._ _

__He finished his math and science homework in less than an hour, which is a miracle for him. He decided his english paper could be written another time and that seeing the new Star Wars movie was a better use of the afternoon. Grabbing his wallet, he walked out the door and down to the bus stop. Across the loop, he saw Jamie peering down at his phone with a duffel and two suitcases by his feet. Tyler had at least 20 minutes before the next bus to the mall, so why not help the new kid? They were gonna have to get used to each other anyways._ _

__“Hey, Jamie!” he shouted while jogging over to him._ _

__“Oh, uh, hey.” he said while stuffing his phone in his back pocket._ _

__“Whats up?”_ _

__“Im tryna find my dorm. I think it's the West Hall, but I don't know where it is.”_ _

__“Oh dude, that's my building! Cmon, i'll show you around eh?”_ _

__Tyler picked up one of the suitcases and started to walk off while Jamie followed him._ _

__“So what did you think of the team? I think Patrick is pretty excited to see some new faces.”_ _

__“Its pretty nice since i'm a left winger y’know? Lots of opportunities to get myself out there. You all seem close though, im sure its good…” he mumbled trailing off at the end._ _

__“Definitely. We’re all close. Hey, maybe you'll even be on my line. Coach likes to put all the freshies on one.”_ _

__“Maybe.”_ _

__They walked in silence for a little bit until they made it to the door._ _

__“Do you know what number your room is?”_ _

__Jamie pulled out a slip in his pocket and scanned over it._ _

__“167. I have the key right here.” he said while dangling a keychain from his wrist._ _

__Tylers eyes widened and he broke out into a smile._ _

__“We’re roommates! That's my room!”_ _

__Jamie looked a little stunned at that._ _

__“Oh. I have a roommate? They do that?”_ _

__“Yeah dude! Don’t be so scared, we’ll have a great time.”_ _

__Jamie nodded and Tyler showed him to the room. He decided to leave Jamie to unpack after trying to get him to go to the movie. Jamie didn’t seem all that up to it though, so he let him be and caught the bus in the nick of time._ _


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jamie thought he could make it work, up until he met Tyler.

Once Tyler was out of the room, Jamie locked the door and slouched down on his bed. He had Jordie on speed dial for a reason.

 

“Hey Jam, whats up? Did you find the room okay?”

 

“J-Jordie. They gave me a roommate… what do I do?”

 

Jordie was silent for a moment before he spoke up.

 

“Who is it? Did you meet him?”

 

“Uh, yeah. Its Tyler. Seguin. He's on the team.”

 

“Tyler seems like a nice guy, Jamie. Im sure it will be okay if you stay calm about everything. If something happens, just come over to my room. Do you remember the number?”

 

“412, Jackson Hall.”

 

“You got it bud, just hang in there.”

 

Jamie nodded and hung up the phone. He could do this, right? Hell, he’d been hiding his body for a year and a half now how hard could this be?

 

\----

 

His parents were surprisingly supportive of his coming out after a little while, but it took some time. Though they somewhat figured it out when he was younger. They thought it was because of Jordie, because he had an older brother. That was the reason he’d mess around in the dirt and insist to play shinny with Jordie's friends. He wanted to be like Jordie. So, they let him. He got all of Jordie's hand me downs instead of Jenny's.

 

Then he turned 6. He came inside crying after Jordie said he wasn’t allowed to play in the treehouse with Turner and him. His mom sat him down at the kitchen counter and said “Jasie, maybe we could invite one of the girls from your school? Remember Katherine? She seems nice.”

 

“No!” he shouted, “My name not Jasie! It’s Jamie!” He threw a fit about it while his mom tried to figure out what was wrong.

 

On the first day of first grade, he was forced into a dress. His mom braided his hair and made sure he was equipped with a bright pink backpack and a matching lunchbox. He remembers that they took pictures on the front doorstep. All his siblings in a line. He wasn’t smiling. He was mad he didn’t get a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles bag like Jordie did. He got a frilly pink one with some princess he’d never even seen before. It was  _ stupid _ . 

 

In third grade, he took a pair of scissors to his hair and chopped off as much as he could without cutting his skin. It was lopsided, but it was short enough for his liking. His parents flipped when they found out, so they made him start wearing bows to school. He took them out as soon as he walked through the doors. 

 

During that period of time, Jamie didn’t have too many friends. He hung out with Jordie when he could, but he was seen as weird. Jenny tried to get him to play with her after school, but he didn’t  _ like _ the dressing up or the nail polish. He was a  _ boy _ .

 

He told his parents one day in 4th grade. He came home from school and told them he was a boy and his name wasn’t Jasie, it was Jamie. 

 

He wasn’t allowed to hang out with Jordie's friends anymore, or Bryce, the one friend he made at school who at least tolerated him. They also made him play on a girls hockey team, instead of co-ed. 

 

Starting middle school was hard for Jamie. Jordie was in 8th grade when he was a 6th grader. Jordie didn’t talk to him much when they passed each other in the halls. Jamie was forced to wear a dress because they had a uniform, but sometimes when no one was home he’d sneak into Jordie's room and try on his clothes. Just to see what it was like. 

 

Jamie also discovered the internet in middle school. By this point, he knew how he felt. He hated his body, he hated how it was betraying him. It was changing and he couldn’t stop it. He went to Internet Explorer and typed in “i want to be a boy”. Hundreds of links came up and he clicked on the first few. They all talked about being  _ transgender _ .

 

So that was it. He knew that all his feelings were real. They were legitimate. 

 

Jordie figured it out the summer before he went off to high school. Sometimes, he'd see Jamie  sneaking bundles of clothes into his room from the laundry room, like taking his clothes out of the dryer was a crime. Then he noticed some of his shirts and shorts were missing. Next came a pair of socks and a baseball cap. 

 

Then Jamie went to the mall one day and came home with a bag from American Eagle. Jordie made the joke when he saw him walk through the house with it. “Why’d you buy something from American Eagle, we’re  _ Canadian _ .” Jamie jumped upon noticing his older brother. His face turned beet red as he ran to his room.

 

Jordie being Jordie snooped around in his room later while he was at hockey practice. He went through his closet and found all his missing clothes plus three pairs of American Eagle boxers. He dropped the clothes when he heard his dad's car in the driveway and bolted out of there. It all started to click into place, and Jordie didn’t mind it. He kind of knew all along. Jamie used to tell Jordie to call him  _ Jamie, not Jasie _ and when he would introduce him as his sister, Jamie would scoff and mumble something that sounded a lot like “brother”. 

 

Jordie got a lot more protective over that summer. He began to notice how Jamie presented himself. He didn’t have many friends which made him recall that one time that Jamie slapped some guy in the face for calling him lesbian. 

 

The final straw came when Jamie was out with Jenny at dinner. Their parents were out of town and Jordie was working on a summer school project. His computer died, so he went in search of another cable in Jamie's room. 

 

Jamies laptop was open on the desk to a Tumblr page.  _ Tumblr? Isn't that the website with all the gays? _ He stopped his thought process when he read what was actually on the page.

 

**How to feel more masculine**

 

Jordie wanted to throw up. Not because he didn’t accept his younger sibling, he did of course, but because Jamie felt he had to hide this from everyone. He loved Jamie, no matter what. Jenny did too. His parents, well, they'd come along eventually. 

 

It's not like he could just go up to Jamie and say, “Hey, I know you're a guy. Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

 

Jamie would have a heart attack if he did that, so he waited. 

 

The last week of summer was dedicated to getting back in shape for hockey. Jordie and Jamie walked to their local rink to get a few hours in before dinner every day. It was a Saturday, two days before school was back in session. Jordie could tell something was off by the way Jamie was fidgeting with his bag on the walk there. Then when they actually got to the rink, his hands were shaking so bad he couldn't even lace up his skates properly. 

 

Jordie placed his hand over Jamie's and lifted them towards Jamie's lap. Jamie took a sharp intake of breath and looked up at his older brother.

 

“You good J?” he reached down to untie the crappy job Jamie did on his skates and listened as Jamie grumbled.

 

“I don’t need your help! I’m not… six!”

 

Jordie rolled his eyes, but he still felt bad for the kid.

 

“Relax, I know you don’t need it but you’re hands are shaking and if your skates get untied you're gonna trip and fall on the ice and embarrass yourself in front of  _ everybody _ . Granted, their small Victoria rink only had about 10 people on it, but still. Jamie recoiled a bit at the mention of his hands shaking.

 

“So, you gonna tell me what's wrong before or after we skate?”

 

“After.”

 

Classic Jamie, holding off everything. 

 

They walked home, sweaty but happy. And when they passed Jamie’s middle school, he sighed and looked up at his older brother.

 

“You’re gonna think I’m a freak, too, Jor. I can’t tell you.”

 

Jordie looked down at him incredulously. “Try me.”

 

“You know… I don’t… I don’t like being a girl.”

 

“Okay…”

 

“And um. I’m a boy.”

 

“Alright.”

 

Jamie breathed out.

 

“What do you want me to call you?”

 

“J-Jamie?”

 

“That’s awfully close to Jas--”

 

“Jamie. I want to be called Jamie.”

 

Jordie nodded. He wouldn’t press the issue further until Jamie  _ actually _ wanted to talk about it.

 

“You wanna go over to Turner’s house and play video games.”

 

“Really?”

 

Jordie nodded and slung an arm over his shoulder. “C’mon. We can order a pizza too.”

 

\----

 

Jamie ended up telling his mom next, and he made sure to explain it this time. His mom told his dad. Jordie told Jenny. By the time it was Christmas, his immediate family was doing their best to call him Jamie. His parents slipped up sometimes, but, it was okay. It’s hard for a parent to go through it too.

 

Jamie about cried when his parents bought him boys clothes. And Jordie and Jenny pitched in to get him a Canucks jersey for his favorite player. He felt bad when his little cash only got them a Canucks puck and a bracelet, respectively.

 

When May rolled around, his parents found a way to enroll him in the prestigious hockey school just so he could  _ start over. _ Jamie refused to go without Jordie, so they made a few adjustments to let him go too. 

 

Everything was explained to the coaches and faculty, and they told him his preferred name because nothing was legal yet. The ‘but’ statement was that he’d have to go to therapy once a week for the entire school year. Jamie thought that was a good compromise. 

 

Jenny came home from college in the summer and they spent a lot of nights by the lake and Jamie thought he could make it work, up until he met Tyler. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jamie considered walking out, until Tyler ran through the door, panting but holding up a coffee as his pride.

Jamie had managed, somehow, to fit all of his clothes in the tiny dresser next to Tyler’s. He’d also figured out how to make a bed for the first time in his life. Sure, it was a little sloppy and unorganized, but it was going to be messy after he slept in it anyway so it didn’t matter too much.

 

Tyler was only gone for 3 hours, and it was dinner time when he came back. Jamie didn’t know where anything was, and he was still flustered on where he was supposed to hide his  _ toiletries _ , that he just let Tyler drag him out the door and across campus to the cafeteria. 

 

“Man, did you even eat lunch at all?” Tyler said, lightly shoving Jamie through the doors. 

 

_ No. _

 

“Uh, not really. I was too busy unpacking.”

 

Tyler stopped and looked at him like he was crazy.

 

“What?” Jamie was getting a little defensive.

 

“Nothing… you could’ve told me though. I would have helped and brought you back a sandwich or something.”   
  


Jamie shrugged and kept walking towards the line. 

 

“It was fine.”

 

“Whatever dude.” 

 

They ended up finding the team and Jamie sat down across from Jordie, who pitched him a smile when he sat down. He’d tried to remember all the names yelled in practice, but so far he only remembered Patrick and Tyler, of course. He was pretty sure the guy next to Jordie was named Jason, but there were two he thought so he didn’t know for sure. Tyler was possibly next to the guy from France, or maybe it was the Czech guy.

 

“You good?” Jamie jumped and looked at Tyler, who had half a french fry in his mouth. He nodded and looked back down to his food, slowly taking bites of his spaghetti. 

 

\----

 

Sunday was an off-day for everyone. Those who chose to go to chapel, could, but instead Jamie had scheduled that time for his therapy sessions. Supposedly, they had a lgbt therapist on campus, and she or he would pass the information on to his gender therapist back in Victoria. In retrospect, he knew the chances of going on T while playing hockey were exceptionally low, but maybe he could go on puberty blockers.

 

Even for a 15 year old he wasn't faring too well in the puberty department, but he saw that as a bonus. 

 

He woke up way before Tyler and was still out the door before he had opened his eyes. Now, to find the medical building. He looked around and saw that the campus was pretty deserted, besides the small group of girls in dresses coming from the cafe. 

 

He walked around until he found the main offices again, and went in to see the little lady from the day before sitting at her desk. He walked up as she gave a warm smile.

 

“Um… I was wondering where the medical rooms were?” he said, playing with the paper he had in his hands.

 

“Right around the corner.” she said, pointing to the hallway leading back into the building. He nodded and walked quickly, looking up at the room numbers until he saw the one that matched the paper. There wasn’t a window, so he wasn’t sure if there was anyone actually in there. He held his hand up and hesitated, but then the door swung open and a young man was standing there.

 

“Jamie?” he asked, a questioning look on his face.

 

“Uh… yes?”

 

He smiled and ushered him in. The room was light blue and had pictures of Maple Leafs memorabilia all over the wall. There were large windows on the sides facing outside, but the blinds were only halfway drawn so some natural light was let into the room. In the corner was a… playstation and tv? As well as some board games and cards. Jamie let his eyes wander as he went to sit down on the leather couch in the middle. 

 

“Different than your other therapist, eh?” he chuckled, sitting in the chair across from Jamie. Jamie was still wide-eyed, but nodded. There were none of those bullshit posters  _ anywhere. _

 

“So, Jamie. I’m Dr. Michael Bordeaux, but you can call me Mike or Michael. I hear you play hockey here, right?”

 

“Yeah, uh, I’m a left winger. Did you play?” Jamie asked, pointing at the poster of Mats Sundin.

 

“A little back in the atom days. Not too much, but, I’m from Toronto so obviously I’m a Leafs fan.”

 

Jamie scrunched up his nose and shook his head.

 

“‘Nucks.”

 

“Sedins?”

 

“Yeah, I like them.”

 

“Hmm, okay. You get along with your brother?”

 

Jamie nodded, furrowing his eyebrows.

 

“Of course.”

 

“And your sister?”

 

“I mean, we weren’t as close when we were younger because she's almost 5 years older than me, but we are now.”

 

“Good, good.”

 

He started to write things on his notepad and Jamie wondered when this hockey talk turned into family talk.

 

“You have a roommate, right? Tyler?”

 

Jamie nodded.

 

“Have you guys talked yet?”

 

“A bit, but he’s only like showed me around and stuff.”

 

“And do you plan on telling hi--”

 

“No!” Jamie yelled, a lot louder than he intended to. He shrunk back into the couch and looked at Michael. “No.”

 

“Relax, you didn’t even let me finish. I could’ve asked if you were going to tell him you're a Canucks fan.” He smiled lightly.

 

Jamie scoffed and rolled his eyes. “I’m not telling him i'm a freak, ok? I spent all of last year convincing myself I wasn’t and I came here to get rid of it, so no.” He kept his eyes trained on the ground, and refused to look up at Michael. 

 

“Alright, Jamie. That’s okay. You don’t have to tell anyone.”

 

“Clearly.” Jame mumbled under his breath, kicking his ankles together. 

 

He finally glanced up when he heard shuffling. Michael was now standing up and walking over to his desk.

 

“What’re you doing?” he asked softly.

 

Michael glanced back at him, but continued to rummage through his drawer.

 

“Letting you think?”

 

Jamie sighed uncomfortably and moved to get up, but stopped himself.

 

“I’m...I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to yell.”

 

“No need to apologize, I am just giving you space to sort out your thoughts before you want to tell them to me.”

 

“Okay…”

 

Jamie was quiet for a moment, just watching Michael sift through papers, then reach down to grab two water bottles. He walked back over and handed one to Jamie.

 

“Why did you… become ‘this’ kind of therapist?” Jamie mumbled, locking eyes with Michael.

 

“Why not? Do you think it's bad?”

 

“No… But. I don’t know.” Jamie wrung his hands together. “How am I supposed to hide this? From the team… and Tyler?”

 

Michael thought for a second. “I think you do the best you can, do what you have been doing. At some point, whenever you’re ready, it won’t be as hard. Though, I don’t think it’s something you need to hide.”

 

Jamie stared at him like he was stupid.

 

“Listen, I’ve dealt with a lot of people here, even some of the team. I can positively tell you that they aren’t bad people and they won’t judge you. But don’t tell them if you don’t want to. Think about it for a bit, okay? If you need anymore help, just call the number on the sheet and we’ll talk next week. Sound good?”

 

Jamie nodded and stood up, quietly thanking Michael as he walked out. No way he was telling the team. No way.

 

\----

 

Tyler was still fucking asleep when he walked in. Jamie flopped down on the bed and punched the pillow laying next to him, he really wanted to scream. 

 

“Jamie? Why are you awake?”

 

“It’s almost 10, why aren’t you?”

 

“Because it’s Sunday. Shut up I’m going back to bed.”

 

Jamie got up and grabbed his phone, wallet, and keys before walking out the door again. He ended up in the gym, not the one in the rink, though. He’d managed to find the campus gym that was basically empty except for the guy on the treadmill in the corner. Jamie went over to the weights and picked one up, grabbing a mat from the ground and starting to do the exercises his old therapist had given him. They were apparently supposed to help build up the arm and back muscle Jamie lacked. Halfway through the first set though, his stomach grumbled. He still hasn’t eaten his damn breakfast.

 

That’s how he found himself jogging across campus again to the cafeteria. Apparently, nothing except for the library and bus stop was close to his dorm. As he walked in, he noticed Jordie and ‘Jason #1’, he’d learned from the night before, sitting at a table eating cereal. Jamie wasn’t sure if he should go over and say hi, but, it was his brother so screw his social life he would live. He grabbed a bagel and some cereal and walked over, sitting in the chair next to Jordie.

 

“Oh, hey Jam. This is Jason.” Jordie pointed to Jason who waved his hand a bit before eating another spoonful of cheerios.

 

“Hi.” 

 

“Hey. You  _ really  _ look like your brother.”

 

Jamie smiled, probably wider than normal. “Thanks! Jor’s a little uglier, but I get the point.” Jordie flicked him in the head. 

 

\----

 

The alarm started blaring at 6, and Tyler and Jamie simultaneously groaned. Jamie got up first, quicker than Tyler. He dug through his dresser while Tyler was still complaining about Mondays, and grabbed his binder, a clean shirt, underwear, and some shorts. While Tyler was finally getting up, Jamie yelled “Bathroom dibs!” and walked in, locking the door behind him.

 

He heard a “Not fair dude!” from outside, but just shrugged as he brushed his teeth. Jamie figured, as he struggled to put on the damned binder, that he’d have to do his own laundry if he wanted this to stay a secret. He’d brought a few sports bras too, that were either a little snug or one’s he could double up on. They should last him at least a few weeks. He sighed in relief when he managed to pull it down his chest and smiled when he slipped a shirt on over it. His dysphoria hadn’t been too bad since he left home.

 

He finished getting ready and walked back out, only to find Tyler laying shirtless on his bed and playing with his phone.  _ Don’t stare. Don’t stare. _

 

“See you at breakfast?” Jamie asked, grabbing his ID and phone.

 

“Yeah yeah. I’ll be there in a bit.”

 

Jamie nodded and headed out. It was still dark, but there were a whole lot more people out now. Classes officially started today, and Jamie was still a nervous wreck. Still, he only knew Jordie (of course), Tyler, Patrick, and now Jason. He’d heard about Radek, John, and Antoine too, but only because they apparently were best friends despite speaking three different languages.

 

“Jay! Over here!” Jamie jumped a bit when he got through the doors, but smiled when he saw Patrick with a few of the older guys. He was quick to grab his oatmeal and flash his ID to the lady. 

 

“So I was thinking, we’d call you Jay and your brother Jo.” Patrick said, pointing a piece of toast at him as he sat down.

 

“Or, you call Jor, Darth and me Benny.” Jamie raised his eyebrows and took a bite of his food.

 

“Hmmm, darth you say?”

 

“Yeah. I think it came from a Star Wars movie marathon back in bantam, but I don’t really remember.”

 

“Alright, I can be okay with that. Anyway, in case you don’t remember them, that’s Spez, Bish, and Hammer.” he pointed at each one respectively.

 

Jamie nodded and waved.

 

“Hey, why are you up here this early though? Don’t freshman classes start at 9?”

 

“I don’t know. I’ve always gotten up early. Ask Jordie, he hated it.”

 

Tyler ended up coming around when Jamie was leaving, following Ben out the door.

 

“You left me?!” he mock yelled, putting a hand over his heart.

 

“You’re slow, and I’m going to the common area.” Jamie pushed Tyler’s hand down and laughed as he opened his mouth to protest.

 

\----

 

“Fuck.” Jamie muttered. The final bell rang and he knew  _ no one _ in his math class. Literally, no one. The teacher settled them all down and did the ‘welcome back from summer’ speech. Jamie considered walking out, until Tyler ran through the door, panting but holding up a coffee as his pride.

 

“Mr. Seguin…” he said, glaring at him while he smirked, “You’re late.”

 

“I’m so sorry, I just got lost.”

 

“You had me last year for algebra.”

 

“Forgot over the summer, mam.” He smiled and held his cup up as a salute, then walked toward Jamie.

 

“Way to make an entrance.” Jamie whispered.

 

“She loves me dude.”

 

\----

 

“Showers are open.” Jordie whispered, bumping into Jamie’s knee as he went to his locker. All the guys were getting changed while Jamie sat in his locker.

 

Jamie nodded and started to take his jersey off. His pads were big enough that they covered his chest and his undershirt was pretty loose so it would be hard to notice anything. He took off his socks next, and everything else until he was in shorts, shirts, and chest protection. He glanced around the locker room again, seeing it thin out even more, before he quickly took the chest protector off, grabbed a towel, and bolted to the showers. He finished undressing after he closed the curtain, bundling his sports bras in his shirt and throwing it with his shorts on the ground outside the shower. By the time he was done, the locker room was empty and he was free to grab his whole duffel and drag it with him to a bathroom stall to change.

 

Thank God he didn’t have any classes after practice, or he sure would be late. 


	4. Chapter 4

Classes went surprisingly well for Jamie the first few days. No one messed up his name, no one messed up his pronouns. It helped that he was with Tyler in most of his classes, so the doubt that was previously there had vanished. Practice was cancelled on the first day. Coach wanted to give them a small break to get back in the grip of things before he threw hockey on top of it. 

 

Jamie had managed to wake up earlier than Tyler everyday so far, so he was able to ransack his drawers to find his binders before Tyler even opened an eye. He still waited for the locker room to clear after practice, and Tyler still believed in his own head that Jamie was just insecure or uncomfortable with a new team. 

 

“Y’know,” he finally said on Wednesday after practice, “You can like, shower with us?” It came out more of a question, but he knew he got the point across with Jamie looked up from his book with a mortified face. In retrospect, Tyler probably could’ve worn more than a towel when asking the question, but…

 

“Uh I-I…” Jamie stammered as he dropped his book and looked around the room quickly. Tyler’s eyes widened and he immediately regretted bringing it up at all.

 

“Woah chill out dude, just a suggestion. You don’t actually have to, just wanted you to know that you’re welcome on this team and we don’t do that stupid ‘hazing’ shit other schools do.” Jamie seemed to calm down at that, but his breathing was still a little erratic. He managed to nod his head and duck his reddened face down to pick up his book. Jamie really wished Jordie hadn’t left to do homework with Jason. He opted to just pack up everything and shower back at the dorm, because at least there was a lock on those doors. 

 

Jamie learned about their dorm supervisor, Kari, near midnight that night when he was mid- working himself into a panic attack over the shower comment all while Tyler was sound asleep in the bed next to him. He had tried to escape to Jordie’s dorm, but of course the freaking all-American school would have ‘dorm parents’. He was just glad that he wasn’t crying when Kari caught him trying to leave.

 

“Hey, what are you doing?” he heard from behind him. Whoever was talking had a thick accent, but good english. Jamie whipped around and saw a young guy, probably in his mid-twenties with light hair. 

 

He opened his mouth to say something, but couldn’t get the words out. He felt like he was choking. Mr. Tall Blond’s eyes softened and he dropped the serious look.

 

“Are you okay?”

 

Jamie nodded.

 

“Do you want to sit?”

 

Jamie pondered his options and shrugged. No way he was going to Jordie’s tonight and he didn’t want to wake Tyler up because he wasn’t wearing a binder. He subconsciously wrapped his arms around his chest and walked over to where the guy was now sitting on the couch. At least he got caught in the common area.

 

“By the way, I’m Kari. I know you’re new here and we haven't gotten the chance to meet yet, but I’m your dorm supervisor. I also work for the medical staff for athletics. You play hockey, right? I’ve seen you around with Tyler.” Kari snorted a laugh and Jamie nodded. Tyler sure must be something around this school. 

 

“Well, I think it’s best for you to head back to bed. Where were you going anyways?”

 

“My brother.”

 

Kari nodded and smiled. When he stood up, he patted Jamie’s back and guided him back to his room. He was nice, and maybe a little too soft, but Jamie was okay with that. He wasn’t stuck with a rude dorm advisor. 

 

\----

 

Jamie’s parents called the next day, because apparently Jordie was frantic when he woke up with ten texts from Jamie and three missed calls. His dad mostly asked him about hockey and the team, but his mom was the real protector and kept making sure he was doing okay and fitting in. She was still hesitant on letting him go to boarding school. He could tell she was still hesitant on letting him, be ‘him.’

 

Thursday also meant that practice was limited to outside workouts so they were sent to the field before the sun rose. Jordie, however, was pacing outside Jamie’s dorm when he walked out with Tyler. Jason was ten feet away half asleep on the park bench.

 

They ran a lot, and did pushups, and sit ups, and ran more. By the end of the hour, everyone felt sore all over and they were sweaty as anything. Most of the guys jogged back to the rink to shower in the locker room, and also to ogle at the girls practice because Audrey Byrd was their captain and that’s who most of the locker room girl talk revolved around. Jamie never really took any part in that. Instead, he went back to Jordie's dorm with him since Jordie didn’t have morning classes on Thursdays and he didn’t want Tyler to think he was even more of a freak for not getting ready in the locker room.

 

“Mom and dad called, right?”

 

Jamie rolled his eyes. They were walking back to Jordie’s dorm now and thankfully, Jason had morning classes so he had to get ready with the rest of the guys.

 

“Yes, Jordan. At 4:30 bright and early.” he was quiet for a moment, “You know you don’t have to tell them that stuff…” Jamie trailed off, suddenly growing embarrassed. He hated talking about himself. 

 

“Yeah, well, don’t freak out at midnight yeah?”

 

“Whatever. Can I shower at yours? I don’t wanna go back to my dorm.”

 

Jordie ruffled up Jamie’s hair a bit. “Sure thing bud.”

 

Jamie peeled his shirt off as soon as he got into the bathroom. He could hear Jordie turning on the TV and flopping down on his bed from outside. He sighed and turned on the shower, letting the steam build up in the mirror before he glanced down and winced at the black sports bra he was wearing.

 

The first thing his therapist told him was that, no, he couldn’t wear a binder when he played hockey, which quite frankly sucked. His shirts for working out were generally sweat wicking and thin, so they didn’t leave a lot of room for imagination. He also had to make sure the shirt actually fit right so no one could see the bra through it, even if it was a few sizes too small.

 

He let his eyes wander down further, to the lack of anything in his shorts and the hair  _ finally _ growing dark enough on his legs. He was pretty sure hair was the only masculine thing about him; he’d stopped shaving after he told his mom. He’s not really sure why he cared enough to do it in the first place. 

 

He closed his eyes as he finished undressing. He knew the dysphoria would kick back in at some point, but he didn’t know when and it was happening now and all he wanted to do was dig himself into a hole and never come out. A hot shower in dim bathroom was the next best thing. 

 

“You good in there?” Jordie yelled through the door. Jamie opened his eyes and glanced at the watch on his wrist. He’d been in there for almost twenty minutes, but hadn’t done anything but let the spray hit his head as he leaned against the tile.

 

“Y-yeah!” he called back, turning the shower off and grabbing a towel from the rack. He shook his hair out a little before wrapping the towel around his body and opening the door, revealing a worried looking Jordie.

 

“C-can you move?” He asked quietly, nudging Jordie so he could grab his bag and wrestle his way back through the doorway.

 

“Hey,” he mumbled, then again a bit louder when Jamie didn’t react. He reached out and clutched his wrist instead, forcing Jamie to stop and look at him.

 

“What’s wrong? Tell me.”

 

“Nothing.” Jamie pulled his hand back and slammed the door in Jordie’s face. When he was back in the comfort of the foggy bathroom, he dropped the towel and dug through the bag until he found some boxers and a binder. He changed into those quickly, then rustled around some more to find a long sleeve shirt and some shorts. When the mirror was visible again, he looked at himself again. His chest was flat. His shorts were baggy. His hair was a mess, and he still had a babyface. 

 

“Fuck this.” he whispered to himself, slicking his hair back a bit. He walked out, not saying anything to Jordie when glanced at him, now at his desk.

 

“Jam--” Jamie opened and closed the room door before Jordie could finish and marched back to his dorm to drop his stuff off and grab his backpack.

 

He didn’t see Tyler until dinner that night. Jordie wasn’t there.


	5. Chapter 5

Weeks of hiding had passed, and Michael had helped coax him through some sort of apology to Jordie. It was fine, of course. Jamie was just a little too in over his head and was still hesitant of his body.

 

Summer turned to fall in a night's sleep when Jamie woke up to the leaves being shades or orange and yellow. It reminded him of home, even if it was only because of the colder weather. He turned off his alarm and crept out of bed, already feeling dread in the pit of his stomach. Tyler was still asleep, so at least he had that going for him.

 

When he was finally able to lock himself in the bathroom, he pulled down his shorts and whispered a quiet ‘fuck’ when he saw the beginning stains of red. He turned on the shower and stripped down, throwing his shorts and boxers in the shower, then kicking them to the corner so he didn’t have to look at it. He really fucking hated himself.

 

Periods were never easy, on anyone really. They especially sucked for Jamie because he was always nauseous and his gut felt like it was being punched in, and then there was the aspect that  _ boys aren’t supposed to have periods. _ He cleaned himself up as best he could without looking down  _ there _ , then grabbed his clothes so he could wring out the blood. 

 

He heard Tyler knocking and yelling at him to “hurry the fuck up and save some damn hot water!”, which only made his heart beat faster as he struggled to turn off the shower. He grabbed the dark blue towel he stuffed in the closet for these occasions, and quickly dried himself off. He took the boxer briefs he had managed to snag and turned on the water to mask the sound of him opening the pad that he hid in the bottom of his toiletries bag, deep, deep into the closet. 

 

He didn’t say anything to Tyler as he walked out of the bathroom wrapped in the towel. He was way too embarrassed to say anything. 

 

Of course, this would fall on the day of their first game, too. Jamie was fairly confident in playing tonight. They’d been practicing for a good two or three weeks now, and everyone was pretty comfortable. Jamie had really grown close to Sharpy, maybe because the senior was so chill that nothing ever made him upset, or brought him down. Maybe it was because he knew if something went wrong, Patrick wouldn’t be here next year to hate him.

 

In the free thirty minutes he had between first and second block, Jamie sprinted across campus and was out of breath by the time he knocked on Michaels door. 

 

“Jamie! We don’t… We didn’t schedule an appointment, did we?”

 

“N-no--Can I still come in?”

 

Michael nodded and stood out of the doorway, allowing Jamie to drop his backpack on the ground and collapse into the couch.

 

“So what’s up?” 

 

_ Fuck, he really hadn’t thought this through. _

 

“I uh… I… When can I get blockers?”

 

Michael hummed and looked down at his notebook.

 

“Why?”

 

“I need…” Jamie whispered, “I need it to stop.” His face was growing red, so he ducked and stared down at the ground instead.

 

Michael leaned back in his chair. “Your period?”

 

“Can you please,” Jamie fidgeted, “Not say that?”

 

“Sure. Did you get it?”

 

Jamie nodded.

 

“Alright, how do you feel?”

 

“Gross. I-I I hate it.”

 

“Understandable, it’s not necessarily the most comfortable thing in the world. Did you want to use the clinic bathroom?”

 

“Yes please.” he murmured.   
  


“Ok, I’ll tell the nurse.”

 

Jamie left and fled to the nurse's bathroom, digging through his bag to find a pad. He found it and got himself together, hoping this would last till the end of the game. After he snuck out of the bathroom, he sprinted across the campus to meet up with Tyler to go to math.

 

The rest of the day was spent in dread over the game. Jamie had managed to split up and head back to the dorm to change into his shorts, a bra, a tight fitting shirt, and then a baggier shirt over that. It slimmed his chest down a lot and made it so he could walk around in the locker room not wearing his full gear.

 

He walked over to the rink, his bag in tow with him. He changed pretty quickly when he got there, getting in the game mindset by not talking to anyone ever. The coaches went through the plan and soon enough they were all heading out to the ice to have warm ups. 

 

Jamie didn’t usually spend time watching his opponents, but he couldn’t help it when he was stretching. He was in a new arena, with a new uniform, with new teammates. Everything was different… except--

 

Jamie tensed up when he saw Theo on the other side, sporting a toothy grin and nudging his teammate in the ribs. A million memories ran through his head, when they played on the pond back in elementary school, after school when they had snowball fights in the park, that summer they spent huddled up in a tree house, then… when Theo found out about Jamie and turned his back on him, pushing him in the halls and getting the boys team to gang up on him after school leaving him bloodied and bruised. 

 

His breath was caught in his throat, but Jordie soon came over noticing what he was staring at. “Don’t worry about it, Jam. Don’t give him the time of day and let’s just make sure we beat them, alright?”

 

Jamie nodded and got up to join the team in passing. Screw him.

 

It was all going well, the game was 3-1 Northway, and Jamie was getting good ice time for a freshman. He’d only been on the ice with Theo once, in the first period but it was only for a minute.

 

It was the third, now and Jamie winced when he saw the Theo on the face off. They made eye contact and Theo just smirked, narrowing his eyes at Jamie. Tyler got the puck and passed it off to John, who brought it down center ice. Jamie skated towards the goal, getting ready to get whatever rebound John was about to shoot.

 

As he thought, John wristed the puck bottom left and Jamie was there to get it when it crossed the goal line. He started to wrap around the back of the net, but was checked into the boards before he was able to do so.

 

“Fuckin’ tranny! What the hell are you doing Jasie?” Jamie’s body grew limp as Theo held him up into the boards. He heard the end of game buzzer going off somewhere, but all he could see was a blur of glass and ice.

 

“Hey! Hey! Get off him!” He felt Tyler wrestle Theo off of him, and he heard Jordie yelling. 

 

“Him.” Theo laughed, “Didn’t even tell them, did you?”

 

“Get the fuck out of here.” Jordie snarled, pushing Theo away until he skated off. Jamie dropped his head and pushed back from the boards. By now the team was forming a barrier, and all Jamie wanted to do was throw up and sulk in the bathroom.

 

He just pushed past Patrick and went to the locker room, not saying anything to anyone. He sat in his stall and threw his helmet into the bag, unlacing his skates quickly and not looking up when the team started to gather in the room. Someone eventually plugged their phone in and cranked up the music, making an easy escape for Jamie.

 

He showered back in the room, stripping quickly and throwing his bloody underwear in the shower with him. He spent a good half an hour under the spray of hot water, letting his tears mix in. All he wanted was to fit in and to be one of the guys.

 

Jamie turned off the shower and got dressed, throwing his trash in the plastic bag he kept hidden under the sink. He then grabbed his dirty clothes and threw them in his hamper.

 

When he walked out of the bathroom, Tyler still wasn’t back and Jamie was grateful. He just hopped into bed and fell asleep.

 

Jamie slept through his alarm the next day, groaning when Tyler through a balled up sock at his face to wake him up.

 

“C’mon dude! We gotta go to class!”

 

Jamie groaned again and hid his face in the pillow.

 

“You good dude?”

 

Jamie nodded. 

 

“I’m just gonna stay here for first, see you later.” he sucked in a hesitant breath when he realized he didn’t put that much effort into deepen his voice. He usually forgot in the morning, which made for  _ a lot _ of voice routines done at 5:30 when no one was awake in his house. He just hoped it passed off as a muffle.

 

“Ok dude, should I tell Patrick?”

 

“No… I’ll be at practice.”

 

Tyler shrugged and walked out, leaving Jamie lying in bed. He lasted about 5 minutes, before his stomach revolted and he jumped out of bed and ran to the bathroom, emptying his dinner from last night. The second day was always the worst.

 

He ended up getting himself together a little bit, enough to pass off as ‘not sick’. He walked down to the cafeteria and grabbed a bagel before heading over to his history class. His cramps felt like a million stabs, and after class when he was walking to biology with John and Antoine he had to lay down on the green area just to feel less nauseous.   
  
“Okay?” John asked, his Swedish accent coming off thick when he spoke English.

 

“Yeah…” Jamie sat back up and followed behind them. 

 

Jordie looked worried all through practice and Jamie ended up flipping him off when they got back to the locker room, making Jordie chuckle and continue talking to Jason. Balance was restored.

 

Jamie felt comfortable enough in his layers to somewhat change in the locker room. Meaning, he turned around and changed shorts quickly and did the ‘change shirts without taking off the other shirt first’ thing that all girls learned at some age. 

 

“Wanna go get some dinner?” Tyler asked, settling up next to him in his towel.

 

“Uh, yeah sure. I just gotta head out real quick and I’ll meet you in the common area in twenty?”

 

Tyler gave him a strange look, but nodded, letting Jamie smile his way out of an explanation while he grabbed his bag and walked out of the room. He ran quickly across the campus, down to the clinic to change and shower. 

 

He got ready in record time, running back to the dorm to drop his stuff off before walking downstairs to wait for Tyler. Honestly, he was surprised he hasn’t gotten sick yet by the amount of times he’s run across campus with wet hair.

 

Tyler knocked on the window, making Jamie jump up from where he was looking at his phone, then walk outside.

 

“Cafeteria?”

 

“Sure.”

 

Jamie’s dad called in the middle of their dinner, and Jamie really didn’t want to answer it but he called a second time when he didn’t answer the first so he apologized to Tyler and answered it.

 

“Hello?”

 

“Jamie! I watched the game last night! Jenny helped us stream it!”

 

“Oh… That’s cool.”

 

“Yes, Jordan was telling us how well you play--”   
  


“Dad, I don’t mean to interrupt, but I’m actually eating dinner so can I call later?”

 

“Oh… oh yes of course. Talk to you later son.”

 

His dad hung up and Jamie couldn’t help but laugh at him. He also couldn’t help the smile that lasted all through dinner because his dad called him  _ son _ and he’d been waiting his whole life for that. 

 

\----

 

Jamie managed to make it through the rest of the school week without anything going wrong. The team somehow forgot about the game and Jordie loosened up after Jamie all but spelled out that he would be okay.

 

After practice on Saturday morning, Tyler took it in his mind that they had to go off campus with some of the other guys. They decided to meet at the bus stop, giving Jamie some time to wrestle his binder on and change clothes.

 

Apparently, their version of team bonding fun was to go out into town, about 5 miles from campus, hang out, then go to one of the non-boarding students house and find a Saturday night rave. Jamie thought he’d be sick when Tyler told him this on the bus. 

 

Surprisingly, or not surprisingly if you think about it, Tyler knew  _ a lot _ about the social distribution at Northway. He’d been going there since 6th grade, when his parents shipped him off to find better hockey other than Brampton, and quickly bonded with the older kids. It made a lot of sense, as Tyler was  _ the most _ outgoing person Jamie’s ever met.

 

He kept his cool, though, and nodded along when Tyler described one of these parties. The kids were rich, but fairly tolerant. They weren’t the conservative, stuck up snobs that Jamie saw in shows and movies.

 

Eventually, the bus stopped at the shops near a ski resort. It was Colorado, after all. It’s just, Jamie was surprised to see a resort with mountains and snow this close to the school. (He’d spent the drive from the airport stress-sleeping, so he missed a lot of the scenery).

 

“Candy store?” John asked, nudging Radek’s side towards the brick walkway. He nodded quickly and the two ran off, leaving Antoine babbling off something about a pet store in french. He’d watched Jordie and Jason run off in the direction of a giant food court, shrugged, then followed Tyler and Ben who were chatting with Patrick and Spez. 

 

Jamie was fine being left alone, just following the crowd. It’s what he did a lot, anyway. He just wasn’t expecting Patrick to fall behind and walk with him.

 

“How’re you liking the team so far?”

 

“Uh, it’s good. A lot better than the team back home.”

 

Patrick nodded, like he understood where Jamie was coming from.

 

“Y’know, you can tell me if something's wrong, right? You just seemed a little down after the game a few days ago.”

 

Jamie sputtered a surprised cough, then tried to laugh it off. “I think Jordie’s got that job covered, but thanks man.”

 

Patrick just nodded and dragged to stand in between him and Spez. They talked a lot about food, and even more about baseball which brought Jamie back to the little league softball days. It was a pretty good afternoon spent munching on chicken fingers and walking into every shop to buy stickers.

 

The sketchy part came when they all huddled up and walked down a few residential streets, stopping at a house--  _ mansion _ that was already decorated for fall despite it only being September. There were teens littering the yards, and Jamie was almost positive there were two fucking ferraris parked in the garage when he passed it. The music was playing throughout the house and extended to the back yard where a pool was.

 

He was sure, so certain, that there was beer and probably weed, because, Colorado. But at this point in the week, he didn’t care so much. He just let Tyler drag him around the house to talk to all the upperclassmen. 

 

“Hot damn…” He turned to his left to see Tyler sucking on his bottom lip, eyeing the group of girls who were sitting by the pool. Jamie watched as Tyler swiftly walked over, sweet-talking his way into the center. Jamie felt a weight drop in his stomach, and he tried to choke down whatever was threatening to rise in his throat. 

 

Everyone was too close, it was too loud, too hot, too smoky, too bright and all Jamie could do was push his way back through the house until he dropped in the front lawn, gasping for a breath of air that didn’t smell artificial. He sat down, tucking his legs to his chest and resting his head on top. He closed his eyes and just waited for nothing.

 

“Jay?” Jamie opened his eyes, revealing Jordie and Jason standing entirely too close and towering over him.

 

“Uh, hi.”

 

Jordie plopped down on one side and Jason the other, and Jamie wasn’t sure when Jason decided to be apart of their little campus family, but he managed to elbow his way in. It was quiet for a few minutes, Jamie just letting himself lean into his brother.

 

“Too much?” Jason ended up saying. Jamie glanced over at him, but he was just looking into the street. It was getting colder out.

 

“Y-yeah.”

 

“I get it dude, I used to get like that when the guys would sneak us in, in middle school.”

 

Jamie just nodded, tensing at first but relaxing when Jordie slipped his hand onto his back, rubbing slowly to get him to calm down. He wasn’t sure who did it first, Jordie or Jenny, but somehow they managed to figure out how to make him chill out when he was younger. 

 

Jason stood up and walked away after a bit, Jamie letting out a huge breath when he was out of earshot.

 

“You good Jam?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Anything you’d like to share?”

 

He looked up at Jordie with big doh eyes, because of course Jordie could read him like an open book. 

 

“Tyler…” his voice died. He wasn’t sure how he wanted to phrase this.

 

“Tyler what?”

 

Jamie had a mental  _ fuck it  _ moment and looked down, blurting out “I don’t like girls.” Which, it’s not Jordie’s fault that he burst out laughing. Jamie gave him no warning and...

 

“Wow,” Jordie finally said, after wiping his eyes and letting his toothy smile turn into a small grin, “Same.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “What do you mean what do I mean? I’m gay. Can I make it clearer?”

_ Whatthefuckwhatthefuckwhatthefuck _

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“What do you mean what do I mean? I’m gay. Can I make it clearer?”

 

Jamie shook his head. So much for not having a gay crisis in the middle of Jordie’s room at midnight. He wasn’t sure where Jason was.

 

“Nononononono you… you can’t-- no Jor, mom’s gonna…” he felt lightheaded and his vision was going a little blurry. “You can’t… dad… Jordie…” he said in between heaves. 

 

“Jamie? Jamie!” Jordie was shaking him, but his eyes were heavy and he just saw black.

 

He woke up to a bright light shining in his face and muffled words swimming around his head.

 

“Jamie?” 

 

“Dad?”

 

“No… no it’s Michael. You feeling okay?”

 

Jamie shook his head and closed his eyes again. He felt like shit.

 

“That’s… normal. Just make sure he rests and I’ll tell Patrick that he needs a day off.”

 

“No!” Jamie shot up, “No you can’t--  you can’t do that! I’ll be at practice! I’m going!”

 

Michael pressed a hand to his shoulder, pushing him gently into the bed.

 

“Jamie. It’s okay. It’s not good for you to practice right now.”

 

“But-- I can’t miss practice!”

 

“Yes, you can. You guys aren’t even supposed to practice on Sundays, it’s a captain's practice anyways. Come see me when it’s not 1 AM after you’ve slept, yeah?”    
  


He didn’t give Jamie a second to answer before he led Jordie into the hall, leaving Jamie alone with Jason who somehow appeared by his side. He didn’t say anything, just placed a soft hand on his head and ran it through his sweaty hair. 

 

Jordie came back in a minute later, glancing nervously at Jamie. Jason moved away when he got near, letting Jordie help Jamie sit up. “Are you wearing your binder?” he whispered, slowly rubbing a hand up and down Jamie’s back. He nodded. “Michael says to go take it off. It’s probably what made you faint.” Jamie nodded again and stood up, shakily moving to the bathroom. 

 

Jordie, like the saint he was, already left some shorts and a shirt in the bathroom. Jamie took off his shirt, frowning at the heat rash growing up his chest to his neck. He struggled to take his binder off, and as soon as he did he threw on the shirt Jordie left. It was one of Jor’s old team shirts. It was huge on Jamie, but he liked it. He finished getting dressed and took one last pitiful look at himself in the mirror. 

 

Jordie and Jason were both lounging on Jason's bed watching tv when he got out, itching his neck which made Jordie narrow his eyes.

 

“Will you walk me back to my dorm?” he whispered, not looking at either of them.

 

“Just stay here. I’ll tell your RA in the morning.”

 

Jamie nodded and motioned between the bed and the floor. “Should I…?”

 

“Sleep on my bed.” Jordie said.    
  
“Where will you sleep?”   
  


“I can double with Jason.”

 

Jamie looked quizzically between the two of him, the confusion on his face growing into realization. Fucking-- they were dating!

 

“Oh my god…  _ gross.” _ He groaned into Jordie’s pillow which caused them both to laugh a little.

 

“Night Jam.” Jordie said, cutting off the light and rolling over to face Jason. 

 

\----

 

Jordie looked down to where Jamie was snoring softly next to him. God, he loved his brother, but he wished the kid wasn’t so anxious. Not even an hour ago, Jamie had jumped up from the bed and immediately flipped at Jordie for not waking him to go see Michael.

 

“Relax, Jamie. He already let me know he was free until 3 so you can come anytime before then.” he had said.

 

“But, but, what about Kari! I never told him either!” Jordie learned about Kari at 7 am when he went down to Jamie’s dorm room to find Tyler getting more or less interrogated by him. It was all  _ fine _ after Jordie told him that his brother got sick and had to stay with him, per words by Michael.

 

Jordie gave him the same ‘I already know’ look he’d given him when he finally admitted that he stole Jordie’s clothes that one summer.

 

“Do you trust me?”

 

Jamie glanced down, fidgeting with the hem of his shirt. “Yes.” he whispered.

 

“Good, then trust that I’ll take care of you, okay? Now go back to bed, you had a rough night.”

 

Jamie nodded and snuggled back under the covers. Jordie sat on the bed next to him and flipped on the tv, giving his brother a little bit of white noise to calm down. And that’s how Jason found them, Jamie’s arms wrapped around one of Jordie’s with his head halfway off the pillow while Jordie was ‘watching’ an episode of Say Yes to the Dress.

 

Jason's arms were full, carrying breakfast for all three of them.  “You know,” he said, glancing between the two brothers, “It’s really sweet how close you guys are. You’re an amazing older brother to him.”

 

Jordie smiled at the preening and leaned up to meet Jason midway for a small kiss. “Yeah, well, Jenny was protective of me when I was younger, so when Jas--” Jordie coughed, “Jamie was born, I decided I had to be that for him.” Jordie tried to swallow the poison building in his throat. He hadn’t misgendered or misnamed Jamie in months, he fucking hated how close he just got. 

 

“Still, I never got to be that. And Kevin wasn’t  _ nearly _ as nice as you are. We got grounded for fighting every week.”

 

Jordie sort of winced at that. He never fought Jamie when he was… Jasie. His parents would have  _ killed _ him and Jenny definitely would have punched him in defense. He couldn’t tell Jason that, though. Jason knocked him out of his thoughts by handing over a takeout container of pancakes and a bottle of juice.

 

“Thanks for going out to get breakfast.” he said, taking a huge bite of fluffy goodness. 

 

“It’s no problem. I saw Spez on the way over though, he said practice is gonna be on the field at 2.” Jason plopped down on the other bed, munching on some cereal.

 

Jamie finally stirred when they were on their third consecutive episode of Say Yes to the Dress. He opened his eyes wearily and sat up, quickly unraveling his arms from Jordie’s when he realized what he did subconsciously in his sleep. It’s not really his fault, though. Most people would flock to the nearest warmest thing in their sleep. When he saw Jason, though, that’s when he crossed his arms over his chest and slouched down. 

 

“I brought you a bagel and some fruit.” Jason chimed, taking the small bowl of fruit out of their mini fridge and pointing to the cream cheese bagel on the night stand.

 

“Uh, thanks.”

 

He ate quickly, not really in the mood to talk. He grabbed his phone from his jeans, but of course, it was dead. 

 

“I’m gonna… head out. Thanks Jor-- and Jason. Sorry about everything.” He mumbled, after he had changed into his old clothes and got somewhat put together. He still kinda looked like a trailer ran over him and he didn’t smell to great, but he was decent. He didn’t wait for them to respond before he shut the door and took a walk of shame through their dorm. No one was out, because it was Sunday, and for that he was thankful. 

 

When he made it back to his dorm, he opened the door expecting the worst, and that’s exactly what he got.

 

“Hey, what the fuck Jamie? You didn’t answer my calls or anything! I thought you got lost or something!”

 

“Good morning to you too.” Jamie grunted, shutting the door behind him and glaring at the floor.

 

“Hey, no. We don’t do that. I don’t care about what your old team was like, but here, we’re  _ brothers. _ We don’t keep shit from each other. And even more, you’re my roommate. We’re responsible for eachother.”

 

“Bullshit, Tyler. I’m responsible for me, you’re responsible for you.”   
  


Tyler gritted his teeth, looking somewhere between annoyed and angry.

 

“Why’re you so mad, anyways? I didn’t even do anything to you.”

 

“Why? Because I don’t appreciate it when our RA comes knocking at the door at 6:30 asking me a million questions about why you weren’t here!”

 

“Listen, my life isn’t any of your business. Just-- let me shower and I’ll be happy to get out of your way.”

 

“Fine.”

 

Jamie was fed up with this weekend. He was near punching the bathroom wall when he finally locked himself in there. He showered quickly and changed into some sweats to make his way over to therapy. 

 

He didn’t bother knocking anymore, he just waltzed through the doors with his problems hoping Michael would solve them.

 

“Feeling any better?” he asked, once the two of them were settled.

 

“I guess. I don’t feel great and I  _ really would rather go to practice. _ ”

 

“Not happening my friend.” he was quiet for a moment, before, “Are you aware of what triggered the panic attack?”  _ Yeah, my brother came out to me.  _

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Do you want to help me understand.”

 

“It’s not my place to tell.”

 

Michael raised his eyebrows stared at Jamie. It made him a little uncomfortable.

 

“Jordan told me he’s gay, you know. You can tell me again.” The word made Jamie cringe, but he wasn’t sure why. He was transgender. He still wasn’t content saying it, though.

 

“Jordie… came out to me?”

 

“And, why did that upset you?”   
  


“It didn’t ‘upset’, I just. Didn’t know.” Michael raised his eyebrows again, “Fine. If you really must know, I like boys too. But, I still am a boy?”

 

“That’s perfectly fine, Jamie. You’re allowed to like whoever you want.”

 

“Okay. I just don’t want our parents to freak out about having  _ two _ gay children.” Jamie was kind of proud about how open he’d been getting with Mike the past few weeks.

 

“That’s very understandable Jamie, and I’m sure Jordie appreciates you thinking about that aspect, but with all due respect, it’s not necessarily your problem to deal with.” Jamie looked at him like he was crazy. “As in, your parents believe what they believe. Considering they love you and Jordie very much, I don’t see a problem with them knowing who you are attracted to. You love who you love, and you can’t change that, so don’t waste time on the things you can’t change.”

 

“Okay…”

 

“There are also, a few more things we need to talk about.”

 

“What?”

 

“How are you and Tyler holding up?”

 

Fucking hell, was he a mind reader or something?   
  


\----

 

“Listen I-- I’m sorry, okay?”

 

Tyler turned around from his desk and took his earbuds out. “I don’t really wanna hea--”

 

“No, listen to me. I’m sorry for not texting you, and I totally would have if I could, but I physically couldn’t. And I’ll try to do better about letting you know things and telling you when something happens like that so… Kari doesn’t barge in here…” He gestured towards the door and looked over at Tyler as sincerely as he could. Tyler looked somewhat apologetic.

 

“What do you mean, you ‘physically couldn’t’?”

 

Jamie glanced around the room, trying to find something to distract the both of them. Unfortunately, none of the wall art came to life.

 

“Um, I have… sometimes I get panic attacks? Because I have anxiety? And I uh… I fainted last night… so yeah. I wasn’t really able to get across campus.”

 

“Dude… I’m sorry. I didn’t know.” Jamie threw his hand up to stop Tyler from saying anymore.

 

“It’s okay. I never told you.” 

 

Tyler nodded carefully, slowly turning back to his laptop. Jamie let out a relieved breath. He could totally count on Michael to help him figure out apologies. 

 

“Did you wanna,” Jamie coughed, “Did you wanna grab some lunch?”

 

Tyler looked down at his watch and started to shake his head. “We have to go to practice in a bit, so I’d rather just wait till after.” Jamie nodded off and sat on the edge of his bed.    
  


“I can’t go today, but tell me what you guys do.”

 

Tyler stared at him weirdly, but nodded anyways. “Will do.”

 

\----

 

Their next game was a home game, and Jamie was proud to say that he’d accidentally stayed on his shift to long because he assisted Brett on a goal. Jordie had been playing pretty well too, he had two assists, one from each game.

 

However, the game after that one was going to be away, at some prep school a little bit south of Denver. Jamie was nervous about it. He’d been  _ okay _ at home, but playing in unfamiliar places always messed with his head a bit. Everything just seemed a little off. They still had three days before the game though, so he thought he might be able to shake it off.

 

“So who are you taking the the fall fuck?”

 

Jamie choked on his spit and looked at Tyler. They were walking to practice in between math class and english.

 

“The… the what?”   
  


“The fall fuck. It’s like our ‘autumn dance’, but like. You can probably tell how well that goes for the upperclassmen.”

 

“Uh. Do we have to go? I mean, isn’t it lame or something?” Jamie hoped to hell it sucked and no one went, because he really, really didn’t want to go.

 

“No? It’s actually pretty fun. They let the eighth graders go too so it’s like their high school initiation thing. The team usually goes too.”

 

“Oh,”  _ fuck _ , “Did you take someone last year?”

 

“Nah. I kinda forgot about it. John  _ almost _ convinced me to ask out Chelsea Roth, a girl from my french class, but I got sick the day I was gonna do it and someone asked her instead. But we gotta find dates!” Tyler was way too excited for this. It was a school dance for crying out loud.

 

“Uh, alright. I’ll… I’ll think about it.”

 

“Good, because it’s in October.” Tyler said, opening the door to the rink. 

 

“What do you guys do on Halloween?” Jamie asked, dropping his skates by the equipment room to get sharpened.

 

“Party. There’s usually one up by the mountains somewhere. Some people just go watch scary movies in the gym, though.”

 

“Do we dress up?”

 

“Uh, hell yeah! Last year the guys dressed up as Super Mario characters.”

 

Damn, this team was close.

 

Their conversation was interrupted by Patrick, who started to do his captainly speech of the day. He was also talking about how they're gonna kick Mountain Oak Prep’s ass, which made Jamie’s stomach churn a bit. 

  
At least he got this far without an away game. 


	7. Chapter 7

Jamie looked at his suitcase, backpack, and garment bag. He was almost positive he had packed everything… well at least he hoped he had. Tyler on the other hand had no worries. He had just started packing and they had to get on the bus in 20 minutes to go on the road trip.

 

“Relax, all you really need is a suit and some sweats… and like one pair of underwear and socks.” Tyler said, wandering around his side of the room and picking up a shirt, sniffing it, then shrugging and throwing it into his ‘to be packed’ pile. Jamie wasn’t going to even begin on how unsanitary that was. 

 

Instead, he flopped back on the bed and started to scroll through instagram. He deleted his old one-- the one that said ‘Jasie Benn’ in bolded letters at the top and then ‘#14 Victoria Bears Hockey’ below it. He never posted much on that one. When he finally enrolled into Northway, ensuring he wouldn’t have to go back to the Secondary School, he deleted his old instagram and made a new one.

 

It had ‘Jamie Benn’ now, and ‘#14 Northway Hockey’ under it. The profile picture was of him, Jordie, and Jenny the day Jamie got his new (and preferred) haircut. He liked to call it his acceptance day, because he thought of it as the day when everything settled in. His binder came in the mail, he had his first therapy appointment, he got his new haircut. He was smiling brightly in the picture, leaning into Jordie’s shoulder and Jenny leaning into his. He’d only posted one picture, and that was a picture of some snow flurries a few weeks ago. 

 

After a few minutes, Tyler laid down next to him and leaned over to look at Jamie’s phone. “God, don’t tell me you're a Canucks fan.” he chirped, watching Jamie like the picture that they posted.

 

“I’m from BC,” Jamie said, sounding bored, “What do you think?”

 

He turned to Tyler who just smiled and rolled his eyes. Jamie could feel his heart beating in double-time because Tyler was  _ right there _ and he didn’t seem to have a problem with it. Jamie could practically feel the air coming out of his nose. He coughed and sat up, putting his phone down and leaning on his elbows.

 

“Should we go now?”

 

“Yeah, sure.”

 

They grabbed their bags and turned off all the lights before heading out of their room. Instead of Kari, there was an older woman pacing the halls. They quickly waved at her and walked out. It was dark and windy and Jamie wasn’t sure why they hadn’t left earlier, like at 6. But apparently there was a conflict with stopping for dinner or something so they were leaving at 8.

 

The bus was by the rink. They could see it from the top of the small hill. People were shuffling around inside of it and he saw some of the guys throwing their bags in the compartments on the side. Jamie followed Tyler down, and they put their luggage in the side. Everyone's garment bags were laid on seats in the back of the bus, apparently. Jamie just nodded when Tyler told him. 

 

Most of the team was already there. Trainers and coaches were in the front and upper classmen were farther back. Jamie walked back there to put his dress clothes on the neat pile then dragged his way into an empty row in front of Jordie. He didn’t bother saying hey, just put his headphones on and leaned against the window.

 

He woke up with a weight against his shoulder. He was surprised when he turned his head and saw Tyler, toque nestled down over his ears and snoring softly against Jamie’s arm. He smiled a bit, looking out to the window again. They were definitely close to Denver. The green land was turning into buildings and before he knew it, the bus was waking up and they were pulling into a hotel. He nudged Tyler, and when he didn’t budge, he flicked his forehead. 

 

“C’mon, we’re here.”

 

Tyler groaned and turned away from Jamie, pulling his jacket closer to him. Jamie just kicked his shin when he walked past to grab all his stuff from the bus.

 

When the team was spread out in the check-in area, that’s when their coaches decided to take the liberty of telling them the room situation. 

 

“Alright boys, you already know the drill. Rooms are posted here,” he held up a piece of paper, “and curfew is midnight. You have to be downstairs eating breakfast at 9.” He placed the paper down on the table and no one moved quickly to look at it. Jamie was frozen, sitting on his suitcase. He thought he’d just room with Tyler, but that’s not how they did things.

 

It wasn’t until Ben walked over to him, eyes droopy and handing him a card, that he realized their goalie was his roommate for the short trip. He followed Ben to the elevator and neither said a word till they got in the room and Ben mumbled a “Dibs on far bed.”

 

Jamie shrugged and flopped down on the bed closer to the door. He wanted to just fall asleep right there, but his chest was aching and he could taste his breath. He waited for Ben to finish up before he lazily lugged his bag in the small space. Hotel bathrooms sucked.

 

By the time he was done changing and getting ready, Ben was already sacked out on his bed with his phone still glowing next to him. Jamie sighed and got under the covers of his, drifting off to sleep quickly.

 

Ben’s alarm blared in the morning, waking both boys up with a jump.

 

“Uh,” he started, rubbing his eyes and stretching, “Sorry about that. I forgot I had it so loud.”

 

“S’fine.” Jamie laid back down and grabbed his phone off the night stand. Ben got ready first, and while he was in there, Jamie took that time to lay out his suit.

 

It was pretty awkward at first, after Jamie told his sister and parents. They still jumbled over pronouns and had to get used that their daughter (or sister), turned out to be their son (or brother). It took a lot of convincing and even more tears for them to understand a concept they would never, truly, be able to get. 

 

He’s still not sure how or why Jordie was so nice about it.

 

Anyways, his mom took him shopping a few days after. She was reluctant to throw away the dresses and girl clothes like Jamie had asked, so she didn’t… only moved them to the attic in case Jamie ever changed his mind.

 

They went to the mall and Jamie got to pick out the things he liked. His parents were going to give him Jordie’s hand-me-downs though, so he didn’t get  _ too _ much. However, dress clothes were part of the shopping experience so he got to be fitted for some button downs and pants and he felt  _ manly _ . 

 

It felt like a weight being lifted when he looked at himself in the dressing room mirror, white shirt, red tie, with a navy blue jacket and pants. He smiled and went to show his mom who checked it over, blushing when he walked out.

 

She stood behind him in the mirror while the guy pulled and pressed at the material, fixing it.

 

“You look very  _ handsome, Jamie. _ ” she said, pressing a light kiss into his temple causing him to fidget away, embarrassed.

 

He laid out all the components on the bed, making sure he had his binder, underwear, socks, and shirt bundled up for after he showered. He wasn’t quite sure how he was going to manage changing in the arena, but he decided to fret about that later. 

 

“Bathrooms all yours, man.” Steam rolled out of the bathroom when Ben opened it. He had a towel wrapped around his lower half and Jamie didn’t waste time scurrying in there. He wanted something bad that he couldn’t have: a boy, and a boy’s body. 

 

Ben was buttoning his shirt when Jamie came back out, shaking his hair like a dog. Jamie figured he wasn’t much of a talker until you got to know him. They finished dressing with the sounds of the news from the tv.

 

“Here, let me do it.” Jamie turned red and he dropped his hands away from his collar. For the hours he spent learning how to tie ties and bowties, he surely wasn’t doing good right now with his shaky hands. Ben walked up and grabbed the ends, quickly wrapping and pulling them until the knot was firm against Jamie’s neck.

 

“Th-thanks.” 

 

Ben gave him a smile. “No problem dude. I remember my first away game too, happens to the best of us.” He shrugged it off and went back to watching tv on the bed. 

 

They walked down together, meeting Antoine who was rooming with Remi on the way down. Breakfast was casual, with small chitter about the game until the coaches came down to assess some last minute footage of the other team. 

 

The bus ride to the prep school was quiet, most of the guys having put their headsets on the second they sat down. Tyler sat alone this time, meaning Jamie was alone too. He wasn’t sure he liked having this much headspace before a game. He wished Tyler was there talking constantly about dogs or whatever it was he liked that day.

 

Eventually, they pulled into a smaller campus and Jamie looked out the window at the people moving from place to place. When they got to the rink, though, the atmosphere changed and suddenly everyone was in game mode.

 

They filed off the bus, grabbing their bags and sticks on the way in and were lead to the visitors locker room. They took a quick group picture in their suits before everyone went their separate ways to go change. Jamie looked around, watching as half the guys were already putting their jerseys on. 

 

He fumbled to open his bag, and despite what his mind told him, he just haphazardly dragged it to the bathroom stalls. He avoided eye contact and really prayed that everyone was too busy with their pre game conversations to notice him.

 

Once he got dressed, he hung up his clothes and joined in the chirping that was going around the room. Warm ups came sooner than later and before he stepped out on the ice, he shuffled over to the bench to take a look at the opposing team. After he was confident he didn’t know anyone on the other team, he joined in the skating around. 

 

\----

 

“Benn, Seguin, you’re in next.” their coach gave them a pat on the back and Jamie got ready for the shift change, keeping his eyes on Radek. He jumped over the boards in time to saddle up next to one of the opposing players, skating down and watching the guy with the puck. There was a shot on goal, but it went wide and Jamie got the rebound, passing it behind him to whoever was open.

 

Stephen got it and brought it down the ice, passing it off to Tyler who deked to the left, but went 5-hole. The buzzer wasn’t too loud and the crowd wasn’t that happy, but Jamie skated into the group joining in the hug and smiling brightly.

 

They high-fived their way across the roster before getting ready for another puck drop. 

 

\----

 

As soon as the excitement died down from the win and someone's speaker started playing music, Jamie remembered that he didn’t have a choice but to shower in the locker room. He sucked in a deep breath and started to robotically take off his outerwear. He was gonna let his brain take over for now, because his thoughts were too deep in “what if’s” to be bothered with everything. 

 

He was beyond thankful for individual showers the moment he walked in, clutching a towel over his body. He’d kept his t shirt and compression pants on, finishing changing after the curtain was tugged closed. 

 

Being towel clad was awkward when all Tyler wanted to do was talk about the goal. Jamie did his best to nod, but make his way toward the bathroom stalls. Tyler kept following him though.

 

“I mean, it was just  _ amazing _ , perfect set up a--”

 

“Tyler,” Jamie looked apologetic, but motioned with his head toward the bathroom, “Can I go…”

 

“Oh… oh yeah, sorry man of course.” Tyler clapped him on the shoulder and Jamie gave him a weak smile. He then glared at Jordie because he knew his brother was eavesdropping. 

 

The ride back was relaxed, mostly because they all knew they’d have time to venture around Denver before they had to go back to the hotel. They all ate a late lunch at a cafe in the city and went sight seeing until it got dark. Dinner was at the hotel and everyone was tired, so there was no worrying about curfew. 

 

Getting back to school wasn’t very fun because everyone had to go straight to class (except Patrick because senior perks). Jamie walked with John to science, not really that excited for it. 


	8. Chapter 8

It was cold and wet and Jamie wanted no part of it. The dance was in 2 days and he had yet to ask someone else, not that he really wanted to. He was thinking of going stag, which he probably would because he was shy and… didn’t like girls.

 

Tyler asked some girl named Maya on Canadian Thanksgiving. Which-- the whole Thanksgiving thing was nice. The cafeteria made a ‘special’ meal because of all of the Canadians and it kinda reminded Jamie of home. He kinda missed home, too.

 

He went to classes and practice and tried to push the thoughts of having to go to a stupid school dance to the back of his mind. The ones back in Victoria always sucked. Everyone knew that.

 

Jordie, on the other hand, was ‘going with a group’ which meant he was going ‘with Jason’, just not publically. Jamie didn’t care either way though. Jason was pretty alright when he wanted to be and Jordie was Jordie. He was always gonna be there.

 

\----

 

He was so fucked, he thought. 

 

“Dude, I’m gonna look hella hot tonight!” Tyler yelped, parading through the locker room with only a towel.

 

“You  _ did not _ just say hella.” Ben chirped from his stall.

 

“What? Only T-Swizzle can say it?”

 

“ _ Yes. _ ”

 

Jamie sat in his stall waiting for everyone to hurry the hell up in the showers. He did not have enough time for this. He had to get ready for the dance, too. And for once he was actually  _ excited _ for it. 

 

He went and bought hair gel from the convenience store the night before and he was going to wear his nice nice suit tonight. The one that costs enough to get a plane ticket to Mexico from home. 

 

When the showers were finally empty and Jordie came around to bump his shoulder, that’s when he went. He showered and dressed in sweats quickly, hoping he’d get back to his room with enough time to get ready.

 

By the time he got back, Tyler was already buttoning up his shirt. There was a rose on each of their beds.

 

“I got you a flower to give… who are you taking again?”

 

Jamie frowned. “Uh no one. I’m going alone.”

 

Tyler dropped his hands from his bowtie.

 

“Dude! Why not? I mean damn you coulda asked Brit out if you had too.”

 

“I uh. I don’t really know any of the girls here? It just would of been awkward.”

 

“What-ever Chubbs. You owe me like three bucks though.”

 

“Chubbs?” That was new.

 

“Yeah. Heard someone call you that! Nickname right?”

 

Jamie’s stomach dropped a bit. “Uh yeah. Definitely.”

 

He grabbed his stuff from the closet and locked himself in the bathroom. He wasn't sure if Chubbs was good or bad. Like, it meant that he was gaining a bit of weight? In a manly way? It could also be someone saying he was fat. Which-- his hips were a little wide, but he thought he hid that pretty well. 

 

“Whatever.” he sighed as he wrestled his binder on. It was tan so it wouldn’t be visible through his white dress shirt, not that he planned on taking his jacket off, anyways. He gelled his hair next, matting it down to his head in a way that he thought was cool. Jordie thought it made him look like a 80’s greaser. The shirt, pants, and belt came next. 

 

He walked out feeling pretty confident in himself. He looked  _ good _ , and for once he felt like himself. He fumbled through tying his tie and it was a little lopsided, but pretty okay. 

 

“I’m gonna head out, gotta go meet the lady.” Tyler said, nodding his head and opening the door.

 

“Alright, see ya man.” Jamie waved and watched the door shut. 

 

He put on his jacket and sat on the bed. The rose was laying there next to him and then he remembered that Jenny liked flowers. He thinks. Girls like flowers, right? He snapchatted a picture to her and she answered almost immediately, asking him what the fuck he was doing with a  _ rose _ . And was he going on a  _ date. _

 

He chuckled to himself and texted her instead. Snapchat took to long. It put his mind at ease a little bit, getting to talk to his sister. She was really good with him usually, never once messed up a name or anything. He liked to believe that girls were a bit more understanding. Maybe it's why his mom came around before his dad did. But then again, Jordie was the first.

 

Maybe Jordie was just the best brother in the world. 

 

Probably.

 

\----

 

Jamie was sweating, like, a lot. He brought the rose and he wasn’t sure why because it was just another stupid high school dance. There was a dj and it was in the gym and there were some streamers and colored lights, but, it wasn't ‘special’. He saw Jordie once, by the food.

 

He saw Tyler a few times, but he didn’t see a girl by him. He mostly just stuck with Antoine and Radek anyways. They didn’t ask anyone either and were pretty content on just dancing. 

 

After a while, Jamie’s binder was starting to feel a little too tight and his jacket was making him way too hot, so he snuck around the gym floor and out the back door. He sighed when he felt the cool breeze and blindly walked forward. 

 

“What the f-” Jamie jumped as his foot hit something and he fell forward, landing on his knees and hitting the ground. He groaned as he lifted his head, frowning a bit at the smushed flower then looking to… Tyler?

 

He was sitting on the curb sulking, looking much less like the Tyler Jamie knew than usual. 

 

“Are you… are you okay?” Jamie asked, moving slowly to sit beside him. He was trying hard to whisper while keeping his voice deeper. He really shouldn’t care at this moment.

 

“I guess.” Tyler shrugged. Jamie nodded.

 

“Where’s uh, what’s her name? Mia right?”

 

“Maya.” Tyler coughed, rolling a broken stem between his fingers.

 

“Right. Maya.”

 

“I’m not sure.” Tyler turned to look at Jamie and it was then that he could see the just barely there tears welled up in his eyes. “I think I got stood up, Jamie.”

 

Jamie let out a breath and wrapped an arm around Tyler’s shoulders. He was so not prepared for this.

 

“It’s… I’m sorry Ty. That’s really shitty.” he kicked a pebble on the ground.

 

“Yeah… What are you doing out here?”

 

Jamie shrugged and looked down at the ground.

 

“It was a little too hot in there. I just wanted some air.”

 

“Oh.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

Fuck. Okay so maybe Tyler was cute? Just a bit? Jamie really shouldn't be thinking this. Not while Tyler was sitting next to him dealing with  _ feelings _ . Jamie sucked at those and apparently Tyler did too. 

 

“You can go back in if you want to.” Tyler mumbled after a few minutes. Jamie could see his long breaths in the air. 

 

“I’m fine. Unless you want me to go…?”

 

“No!” Tyler yelped a little too quickly and Jamie flinched and retracted his arm. “No,” he said quieter, “It’s okay. You can stay.”

 

Jamie nodded.

 

“You’re smart.” Tyler shifted so his legs were drawn out and he was leaning against his hand, facing Jamie.

 

“What do you mean?” Jamie hummed. He had okay grades, mostly A’s with a few B’s.

 

“You didn’t go out with a girl.”  _ Oh. _

 

“Yeah, well…” he trailed off.  _ I don’t really like girls. _ He frowned a bit and looked down at the flower in his hand.

 

“What?” Tyler asked.

 

“Nothing. I just… I dunno. Not a big fan.”

 

“Of?”

 

Jamie gulped. “Girls.” Tyler’s eyebrows shot up.

 

“You… don’t like them? Girls? Do you… like uh. Boys?”

 

Fuckfuckfuckityfuck. What the hell did Jamie get himself into? Just screw it. Screw it all.

 

“Yeah I… I guess.” Well he always had liked boys. It was the only normal thing about himself when he was younger. When he was Jasie.

 

Jamie didn’t realize how close Tyler had gotten until he could feel the small puffs of breath on his neck and Tylers pinkie was almost touching his hand. 

 

“What’re you…” Jamie was scared to look at Tyler, but he moved his face just a little.

 

“Can I kiss you?”

 

_ Oh my god he was not about to have his first kiss be a rebound. _

 

Jamie nodded, just a little and Tyler leaned in and placed a small kiss near the corner of his mouth. It was quick and felt childish, but it warmed his heart right up. Tyler moved back, blushing seriously.

 

“Was that okay?” he asked quietly. 

 

“Y-yeah.” Jamie choked out. He smiled a little and Tyler smiled back. 

 

“Are you… y’know.” Jamie asked, looking at Tyler who suddenly shifted his focus to his hands. He shrugged.

 

“I mean. I like girls? But some boys are okay too. I guess. Is that weird?”

 

Jamie shook his head quickly. “Of course not.”

 

“Okay.”

 

“Okay.” Jamie echoed him. He looked down at the ground and smiled at the crushed flower. He picked it up and nudged it towards Tyler’s hands who chuckled a little.

 

“Here.” Tyler said, giving Jamie the broken stem from his rose. Jamie laughed. 

 

“You wanna go back to the dorm or something? This party is kinda lame.”

 

Tyler nodded and he didn’t seem as mad or sad as before. Jamie took that as a win.

 

“Alright. Let’s go.” He stood up and pulled Tyler up with him. He wasn’t really sure what the fuck just happened, but they were both happy right now and that’s all that mattered. 


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just a little filler chapter because i was really excited for this development in the book!

Jamie didn’t bother knocking on Michael’s door anymore for his Sunday morning appointments, just barged in wearing his sweats. He was confused, happy, and scared all at the same time. And they had a game tomorrow. Michael looked up from his computer and smiled warmly, clicking a few things before sighing and standing up.

 

“Morning Jamie. How was Halloween? Do you want some tea or water?”

 

Jamie shook his head. “Nah I’m good. We had a game the day after so we had to be in our dorms by nine which sucked, but I saw half of It so that was cool.”

 

“Eh, not really a fan.” Michael grimaced, sitting down on the couch across from Jamie.

 

“So how have you been feeling lately. Any problems with school?”

 

“Bio really fu--freaking, sorry-- sucks. But I have an 88 so I think I’ll be okay until Christmas…” He was wondering if he should tell Michael about the Tyler incident. It happened a week ago and all Tyler has done since is smile at him a little softer and talk to him a little later at night. Jamie didn’t have the guts to initiate a conversation about what happened, either.

 

“That’s not too bad, but I thi-”

 

“There’s one other thing.” Jamie cut him off quickly, not sure where he was going with his point and not thinking about it.

 

“Yes?”

 

Jamie chewed on his lip, trying to think of a way to phrase it.

 

“I kissed someone. I-- is that weird? Do guys talk about that?”

 

“I’d ask yourself that question. You’re a guy. Do you?” Michael was smiling a little bit and Jamie rolled his eyes.

 

“You know what I mean… like. A real guy.”

 

“Jamie… let me ask you this. Only answer if you’re comfortable, okay?” Michael looked at him seriously, and Jamie was starting to wish he’d gotten a glass of water. His throat was running dry.

 

“What’s the difference between Jordie and you?”

 

Jamie held back a scoff. A dick. Facial hair. Deep voice. Strength. Height. He gets a boyfriend. Position. Shoe size. Age. 

 

“I don’t know. Like… the way we look? He’s taller and bigger. He’s older than me too. He plays a defence and I’m a winger.”

 

Michael nodded like he was agreeing and Jamie wasn’t sure how pointing out his flaws was supposed to help.

 

“Okay, now take away everything that has to do with him physically. Like muscle, height, or hair color.”

 

Jamie thought. There wasn’t much difference between them. Jor still got a boyfriend and still played a different position and--  _ oh. _

 

“He’s a defender and has a boyfriend.”

 

“Is he a guy?” Michaels lips quirked up a little.

 

Jamie nodded. 

 

“Are you? Is that how you feel?” It took Jamie for more seconds to nod, but he did.

 

“Then, as you told me a few weeks ago, being a guy is up here.” Michael tapped his head. “It has nothing to do with your body, so if you feel like you’re a male, then you are. Comparing yourself to other boys around you, as tempting as it may be, won’t really help you out here.”

 

“I guess.” Jamie mumbled.

 

“Here, I’ll give you a few minutes to depress while I look a few things over. We’ll talk more when you’re ready, okay?”

 

“Yeah, alright.”

 

Michael nodded and stood up, walking back over to his computer. Jamie just sat back and thought.

 

He wasn’t  _ wrong. _ Though, being in a locker room everyday was a bit hard for him. All of his teammates had things he lacked. A flat chest, abs, facial hair, and… other things he’d rather not think about. He kinda wished they could just magically find out, just so he could stop being awkward about changing and showering. But that could definitely go south, quickly. 

 

“Alright,” Jamie jumped as Michael sat down in front of him. “I have something here we need to discuss.”

 

“Okay?”  _ Please don’t be hockey please don’t be hockey. _

 

“I talked to your parents a few times and got their approval to start appointments with the endocrinologist.” Michael paused, smiling slightly and peering over the papers in his hand. Jamie was wide eyed.

  
  


“The… the endocrinologist?” he whispered, “The hormone doctor?”

 

Michael smiled a little wider and nodded, and it took all of Jamie’s 15 years of pent up frustration to not run over and tackle him with a hug. Instead, he let his eyes well up with tears and quickly tried to wipe them away with his sleeves. Boys don’t cry… but apparently they do.

 

“For real?” he choked out.

 

“Yes, Jamie. For real.”   
  


“Thank you. Oh my god thank you.”

 

“It’s my job, but you’re welcome. I feel as though you’ve grown these past few months and your capable of handling this change. I will say, though, that the endocrinologist, Dr. Harris, is off campus so you will have to make weekly visits during your free hours.”

 

Jamie nodded quickly, still trying to get himself together.

 

“And the first few visits will just be for physical exams and blood tests. She still has to sign off on you getting treatment, but the sooner those tests get done then the sooner treatment can start.”

  
“Yeah, yeah. Of course.” he paused, “Do the coaches know? Or medical-- Kari? Do they know?”

 

“I have informed them of our visits and how you’ve been checking up. They know you will be going to the endocrinologist, but it’s your job to let them know when you will be going and understanding if it interferes with your hockey schedule or not.”

 

“Okay. I got it. Can I ask you a question?”

 

“Go ahead.”

 

“This will be-- the blockers, I know T is far off-- but I can play with that, right? It’s not against rules?”   
  


“As the medical staff will be administering it, it won’t be a problem. They know what you will be getting when you get it. Dr. Harris and I will deal with that too.”

 

“Okay.” he took a deep breath out and smiled to himself. He could do this.

 

Michael told him a few other things, like when the first appointment was and how the bus could take him to the general area. He didn’t forget to thank him a billion times more before he walked out. 

 

He was on cloud nine when he walked back into the dorm, even Tyler’s crabby essay mood couldn’t keep him from smiling.

 

“What’s got you so happy?” Tyler asked, chucking a pencil at his head.

 

Jamie shrugged. “What’s there not to be happy about?”

 

“This damned essay.” Tyler groaned, turning back to his laptop and slamming his head against the keyboard.

 

Jamie walked up behind him and placed a hand on his shoulder. Tyler flinched at first, but melted into the touch and smiled up at Jamie. 

 

“Want some help?” Jamie asked. “I’m not too shit at french.”

 

Tyler nodded and Jamie pulled up the other desk chair, saddling in right next to Tyler. They were close enough that their shoulders were touching. 

 

“This okay?” Jamie mumbled after a few minutes of pointing out spelling mistakes.

 

“It’s good. It’s-- yeah. I’m good.”

 

“ _ Bien.” _


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> slight tw for dysphoria and small mention of blood

“What’s got you on cloud nine?” Jordie nudged Jamie into the boards, for the third time that practice. Jamie was dazing at the wall and smiling softly. “Huh? I don’t think I’ve ever seen you smile this much in my entire life. That’s 15 years little bro.” He knocked on Jamie’s helmet.

 

Jamie turned to him, trying to compress his smile to something a little more unnoticeable. His eyes couldn’t be dulled, though. They were gleaming.

 

“I’ll tell you later. Gotta… run three on twos or whatever.” He huffed the last bit and skated off to Remi and Antoine, leaving Jordie confused. 

 

“Figure it out yet?” Jason said, sliding into Jordie as he stopped.

 

Jordie shook his head and stared at his younger sibling. “Not yet.” He muttered. Jamie was being weird. He was daydreaming all through practice yesterday, and he didn’t even say anything to Jordie when he flicked his shoulder to let him now the locker room was clearing out and it was probably okay to take his pads off.

 

Jamie was excited— ecstatic. He wanted to shout to the world that he was getting blockers. That his life was  _ starting _ , at the ripe age of 15. But, he couldn’t. So he just let the happiness simmer deep inside of him and left it at that. 

 

He called his parents as soon as he got back from therapy on Sunday. Tyler was out doing God knows what, so he had the dorm completely to himself for at least an hour. 

 

It was weird at first, his dad staying quiet while his mom did all the talking. As soon as his breaths started getting heavier and it got harder to keep his cheeks dry, then he threw in the “thank you.”

 

It was a single acknowledgement, but it meant a whole lot more. Thank you for raising me in Canada. Thank you for giving me hockey, for letting me play it just because I wanted to be like Jordie. Thank you for not yelling when I told you. Thank you for the hope.

 

His mom talked him through it and his dad asked him about the team and it was… okay. He was okay—better than okay— he was happy. Those days were rare, now more than ever.

 

——

 

“You know,” Michael said over the phone, “it might help to have someone there. Maybe someone from medical would go with you or your brother?”

 

Jamie was quiet for a moment. I mean it wasn’t a  _ terrible _ idea. He didn’t really wanna ask Kari because he wouldn’t even know what to say to him, but he also didn’t want to annoy Jordie more than he already was.

 

“I’ll… think about it.” Jamie mumbled. He crossed his jacket over himself a bit more as the wind blew. 

 

“Alright. Don’t forget your first appointment is this Saturday. I already cross checked the game and practice schedule so you should be fine to go in the afternoon.”

 

“Okay. Thanks.”

 

Jamie sighed to himself. Jordie would probably be in his room anyways, and it was only a 5 minute walk so… 

 

“What?” Jordie said, swinging the door open. His hair was a bit messy and it looked like he just woke up.

 

“Um. Is Jason in there?” He nodded towards the room and Jordie looked back.

 

“He’s asleep right now. What’s up?”

 

Jamie bounced from his heel to the ball of his foot and chewed his bottom lip.

 

“Can I come in? Or can we go somewhere that’s not the middle of the hallway?”

 

“Why?” Jordie groaned. “Just tell me.”

 

“Jordie I…” his voice died down and he suddenly felt less excited to tell his brother. Why did it matter to him anyways? He probably didn’t care and wouldn’t want to come to the clinic to watch Jamie get shots. 

 

“What?” Jordie was leaning against his door frame now, more or less glaring at him.

 

“Nevermind, sorry. I’ll see you at practice.” He twirled around and started to walk to the stairs, wiping his hands on his jeans.

 

“Wait, Jamie!” Jordie called out after him. Jamie just jogged down the stairs and out to the courtyard, coughing out the breath he was holding into the cold air. Alright. He could do this alone, then.

 

He walked to the library, momentarily stopping to wave at Esa. He didn’t really know him that well, had only talked to him once or twice in the locker room. But he was nice nonetheless, always apologizing after hard checks in practice.

 

He took the desk in the far corner, huddling between the wall and the window. At first he started doing some homework, answering the few questions he had for history and working on the algebra problems.

 

But then his curiosity got the best of him so he took out his laptop and started to google what endo visits were like. They were, usually, pretty standard. Height, weight, blood. But then he got to the doctor horror stories and that made his blood run cold, so he shut his laptop and stuffed everything back into his bag. 

 

“You okay man?” Jamie jumped and looked at Patrick, who had knocked his shoulder a bit. He must’ve looked as nervous as he felt.

 

“Yeah, yeah. Sorry.”

 

“It’s fine… see you at practice, yeah?” 

 

Jamie nodded and went on his way to his dorm. Maybe Tyler would be back now to tell him about how sucky his French teacher was.

 

——

 

Jamie shifted from on skate to the other as the rosters were being called out. He glanced back at the other team, Greenville Academy, clad in their (appropriate) green, yellow, and white jerseys. He gnawed on his mouthguard and listened to the anthem being played. Some girl from the school choir was singing it. She was pretty good, if Jamie had any word in it.

 

Coach called out lines and then they all sat down, shifting through the bench as guys hopped the boards or went out. Jamie was a fourth liner now, which wasn’t surprising as a freshman. He still played with Tyler which was fun and they somehow had a combined 7 goals already this season, despite the minimal playing time. 

 

Eventually, someone tapped his back and he took that as his cue to head out just as Devin was coming in. He was in a game mindset, as he should be. Eyes on the puck, glancing over at his teammates and keeping the opposing defencemen in his peripheral. Just to make sure he didn’t get checked from the side.

 

He got the puck as it ricocheted off the boards, deking out of the way as someone came towards him. He passed it off to Radek who moved it up to the other end of the rink. Radek shot it, missed the net by a few inches and then Jamie got it again behind the net. He wrapped around, almost getting ready to flick it in but then he saw Tyler out of the corner of his eye. No defender and a perfect gap to shoot it. He passed it quickly, nudging a guy on the other team away just as the buzzer sounded. 

 

He skated over to Tyler, breathing heavily and near jumping on him to get him to stop his godawful celly. All the young guys joined in for a hug then skated off to get fistbumps and high fives. It made Jamie feel good to be apart of a team. Of their team.

 

There was a lot of hollering in the locker room after the game. Jamie sat back in his stall just marveling at it all. Patrick and Spez were throwing a party, as it was a Friday night and as long as they were on campus, curfew for the hockey team could be bent a bit. Radek and Antoine looked like they were about to pass out, but John was just laughing away with Jason. Remi was shaking out his hair and Gemel was trying to rat tail Tyler all while Ben and Esa were talking quietly about tactics. Dan and Mattias were untaping their socks while Julius started to wiggle the tooth that was loose from a hit, making them gag. And then there was Brett, Devin, and Alex howling with laughter at  _ something _ Stephen had said. Jordie came over and sat by Jamie.

 

“I’m sorry about the other day.”

 

Jamie shrugged but didn’t look over.

 

“It’s fine.”

 

“No it’s— I’m sorry Jamie. I didn’t mean to be such a hardass.”

 

Jamie sighed and looked over. “I get it, Jor. You have a life, and I should like… give you space and stuff. You shouldn’t have to be stuck with me in Colorado. You could’ve stayed at home.” 

 

Jordies eyes were hard and he had a grim look on his face.

 

“Shut up, Jamie. You’re my…” he looked over his shoulder, “John what’s brother in Swedish again?” He yelled.

 

“Bror!”

 

“You’re my  _ bror. _ You should be able to have someone to tell things to that’s not Michael. And I’m sorry.”

 

Jamie smiled a bit and leaned into Jordies arm. “Why’d you ask John what brother was?” He mumbled, pulling his shirt collar up to chew it.

 

“He told me the meaning was stronger in Swedish. I don’t know really how he explained it, we were in the middle of a drill and he just blurted some stuff out.”

 

“Okay.”

 

Jamie went back to his dorm to shower and change, then walked back to Jordies so he could ask him to go with him to the doctor.

 

He knocked on the door and got a better response this time, Jordie yelling “it’s open!” With the sounds of the radio playing in the background. He walked in and sat on Jason’s bed who was out somewhere. Jordie looked up from his phone with his eyebrows raised.

 

“I have an appointment with the endocrinologist.” Jamie said, scratching the back of his neck.

 

“What’s that?”

 

“The uh. The hormone doctor. I… I may get um. Medicine.”

 

_ Medicine?  _ Jamie’s not sick. He’s not sure why he said that.

 

“Oh.” Jordie said, locking his phone and dropping it next to him. “Testosterone?”

 

Jamie looked at him bug-eyed. “Huh no. I can't get that yet… but I may get uh puberty blockers? How do you know what T is?”

 

Jordie looked down at his lap then back up at Jamie. “I um. Have a lot of it?”

 

_ Ohhhhh right.  _

 

“Kidding— sort of. I did my research, Jamie. It’s cool. So is that what you wanted to tell me?”

 

Jamie filled and nodded. “And um. Do you… want to go with me? To the doctors? You don’t have to I just…”  _ Am scared. Nervous. Don’t want to go alone.  _ “You don’t have to.”

 

“Sure. When is it?”

 

“Tomorrow. After practice. We just catch the bus into town and go.”

 

Jordie nodded. “Alright. Sure. Congrats, by the way.”

 

Jamie blushed, just a bit. “Thanks.”

 

——

 

Jamie was nervous. He was  _ more than nervous _ . He was scared. He wiped his palms on his pants and looked up at the building.

 

“Ready?” Jordie asked from beside him. Jamie gulped.

 

“Yeah.”

 

The hospital wasn’t huge, but it wasn’t small either. They checked in at the desk, waited a few minutes before a nurse lead them to the endocrinologist, where there was another, smaller waiting room.

 

Jamie sat there not making eye contact with anyone, but fidgeting with the chair he sitting on. Jordie nudged him.

 

“What’s wrong?” He whispered, slouching down a bit so he was more or less eye level with Jamie. “Huh?”

 

Jamie stopped and looked at Jordie. He wasn’t crying, but his eyes were a little more droopy than usual and his features looked way too vulnerable.

 

“I don’t… I don’t know. I should be happy, right?”

 

Jordie shrugged and put his arm around his brother.

 

“You’ll be fine Jam. I promise.”

 

“Jasie Benn?” Someone called out. Jamie whined and hid his face in Jordies chest. He felt Jordie shift a bit, then push him up. He stood up and walked over silently, looking back once to make sure Jordie was behind him. 

 

It was a young lady, pink glasses and blonde hair and holding a clipboard. She eyed Jordie then looked down at the paper puzzled.

 

“Are you… the legal guardian?” She asked.

 

Jordies eyebrows raised and he shook his head quickly.

 

“No. I uh. I’m his brother. Older brother.”

 

“Got it. If you could just follow me, please.”

 

Jamie looked at Jordie, who just winked and pushed him forward a little bit.

 

“Go get em.” He mouthed, making Jamie smile, just a tad.

 

Jamie followed her down the hall, stopping at a scale. 

 

“If you could just take off your shoes and jacket. We’re just going to measure your height and weight.”

 

Jamie slipped off his tennis shoes and threw his jacket on the chair next to him. He stepped up on the scale, waiting while she fiddled with the weights.

 

“Alright. Now just step off and put your back against the wall.”

 

She brought a piece of plastic down on his head and scribbled it down on her sheet. Jamie grabbed his shoes and jacket and followed her down another hall to a room, that looked just like his pediatricians office. 

 

“Okay, here is a gown and a sheet. If you can just undress and Dr. Harris will be in shortly.” She walked out

 

Okay. Okay. Could he like… leave his binder on? Like. They didn’t say that he couldn’t so… fuck fuck fuck. He took off everything quickly and didn’t dare look down as he slipped the gown on. He piled all of his clothes on a chair and hopped on the bed thing.

 

He tapped his thigh while he waited, trying to think of anything and everything that wasn’t the doctor. He  _ hated _ the doctor. It made him uncomfortable and weird and gross and he hated it. 

 

A woman walked in with a computer desk. She looked a little bit older than the nurse, but she was still fairly young. She had dark hair and tan skin and Jamie felt a little intimidated.

 

“Sorry for the wait.” She said, clicking a few things before smiling up at Jamie. “I’m Dr. Harris.” She held out her hand and Jamie shook it.

 

“You know you can breathe, right?” Jamie looked up confused, but then realized that his hands were probably super sweaty. He laughed a little and wiped his hands on the gown.

 

“Sorry.”

 

“It’s fine. I have a lot of teenager that get nervous. You’re definitely not the first.” 

 

Jamie nodded.

 

“Alright, so… you go by Jamie?”

 

He nodded again.

 

“Let me just put that in here…” she looked up, “you’re brother tracked me down before I came in, told me your name and stuff.”

 

Jamie blushed but made a mental note to thank the hell out of Jordie. He wouldn’t have made it through this if they kept calling him Jasie, and he wasn’t about to correct someone.

 

“So, first things first is we’re going to talk. Is that good?”

 

“Sure.” His voice was a bit shaky.

 

“Both of your therapists, Dr. Lee in Canada and Dr. Bordeaux here, sent me transcripts so I won’t have to ask too much. But first things first, tell me a bit about yourself?”

 

Jamie coughed. “I uh. I’m 15 and I go to Northview. I play hockey.”

 

“Okay… what’s your favorite subject?”

 

“Um. I’m not a big fan of school but French is alright.”

 

“Good grades?”

 

“They’re alright.”

 

She hummed.

 

“So when did you first know you were transgender?”

 

_ Fuck. _

 

“I dont… i don’t know for sure. I was pretty young, I think. I just wanted to be like my brother. I didn’t like my name or dresses or my hair or dolls or anything. I guess I didn’t like being a girl.”

 

He looked up and she nodded.

 

“I um. I guess I just. I didn’t like it. I tried to cut my hair and I took my brothers clothes to wear in my room. School wasn’t very… good. I uh. I didn’t have too many friends I guess. I liked my brothers friends because they let me play video games and shinny with them. I didn’t really relate to my sister.”

“Alright. When did you tell your parents? And start going to therapy?”

 

“Uh.” Jamie thought. “I mean I told them that I was a boy when I was  _ really _ young. Like a kid. But I guess I told them for real about a year ago. Maybe a year and a half. I’ve been going to therapy for about a year I think.”

 

“You’ve been diagnosed with gender dysphoria?”

 

Jamie nodded. It wasn’t uncommon, they told him, in transgender youth. He was diagnosed shortly after starting therapy. It’s what made him anxious for most of his life. It made him angry and sad and it’s what caused the days where he physically couldn’t take off his binder or shower or change or get out of bed.

 

“Okay. That’s good for now. Now I just have a few more questions about your health.”

 

Jamie went through the medical questions, wincing and almost throwing up at having to answer when his last period was. 

 

Then she checked his pulse and blood pressure. She checked reflexes and his ears and made him do the “open your mouth and say ahhhh” thing.

 

“Alright so, lay down for me on the bed.”

 

He did and she started feeling around his ankles and legs, making him squirm a little. She looked up with an apologetic face. 

 

“I know it’s uncomfortable, but just try to stay still for me okay? I just have a few more things to do and then you can get going.”

 

Jamie nodded and closed his eyes, counting down from 100 as she pressed on his abdomen.

 

“So I’m just gonna check your thyroid now.”

 

She prodded around his neck, making him clench his eyes harder and grind his teeth together. 

 

“Okay, you can sit up now. I just need to do heartbeat and blood and then your free to go.”

 

Jamie breathed in and out as she moved the stethoscope, trying not to think about how close she was to his chest. And then she pricked his finger.

 

“This is mandatory blood work we have to do to make sure nothing is wrong before you start treatment. You seem very healthy, though. So don’t worry.” Jamie nodded and looked away as she squeezed his finger a bit and collected the sample.

 

She finally taped it up and left him to get dressed and leave. He stopped by the desk as he was leaving to get the papers.

 

“We will call your parents when the blood work is finished, and we can make the next appointment from there. It could take up to two weeks for blood.”

 

He nodded and walked away, nearly hugging Jordie to death when he saw him.

 

“You okay?” Jordie asked, looking down and combing through Jamie’s hair softly. Jamie didn’t say anything, so he just led them through the hospital to the bus stop.

 

——

 

“Man where have you been?” Tyler said as Jamie walked through the door and into the bathroom. He locked the door and curled up in the area between the toilet and the shower.

 

“Jamie?” Tyler knocked on the door. Jamie didn’t say anything, just sniffles softly and tried to wipe away his tears. Tyler knocked a few more times, but gave up at some point. Jamie stuck his head in his arms and cried softly. He hated the feeling that was growing in his gut. His binder felt glued to him and he wanted to scratch at his hips until they bled. But, he couldn’t do that. He was a hockey player and that was risky. He knew that.

 

——

 

Jamie came out eventually, while Tyler was at dinner. He bundled himself under the covers, not bothering to change first. He’d just deal with it in the morning. He’d be fine.

 

——

 

He missed his appointment with Michael. He also didn’t get out of bed for breakfast so Jordie has been calling him for the past twenty minutes.

 

Tyler was out, probably over at Radeks or something, so Jamie decided it was time to get up, at 1 PM.

 

He winced when he stood up. His chest hurt, so he stretched a bit and changed into some sweats and a loose t shirt. 

 

He padded downstairs, grabbing a bar and water from the vending machine before heading back upstairs to his room. He curled under the covers again, making himself into as small of a ball as he could. And then he sat there. 

 

He felt like trash. Like legitimate trash. He tried not to see himself in the reflection of the tv or mirror when he shifted to get a sip of water. Nothing was  _ right _ . He’s pretty sure the doctor drained him. He was tired and uncomfortable. 

 

There was a knock on the door and it had to be Jordie. No one else knocked that hard. Jamie didn’t answer and Jordie came barging in.

 

“Where were you this morning?” Jordie said, throwing the covers off of him. Jamie just groaned and dug his face in the pillow.

 

“Dude. Not cool. You can’t miss therapy.”

 

No answer.

 

“Oh for fucks sake.” Jordie pushed Jamie over and sat on his bed.

 

“Okay dude. Cmon. We gotta get up and take a shower and go get lunch or something.”

 

Jamie looked up at him and shook his head.

 

“Jamie. Bud.”

 

“What?”

 

“We’ve got 6 hours of daylight ahead of us. Let’s go.”

 

“No.”

 

“Jesus.” He muttered. Jordie slipped his arms underneath Jamie’s armpits, making Jamie struggle to get out.

 

“Shit- fucking!”

 

Jordie started to lift him up a bit and he gritted his teeth, hissing at the stretch it gave on his ribs.

 

“Ow stop!” He thrashed a bit, “Stop fucking! Jordie!”

 

Jordie let go of him, eyeing him carefully.

 

“Jamie…” He whispered. He looked at Jamie seriously.

 

Jamie was on the verge of tears. His lip was shaking and he scattered away from Jordie, to the wall.

 

“Stop.” He whispered hoarsely.

 

Jordie carefully crawled to him, putting a hand on his shoulder.

 

“Tell me you didn’t… when was the last time you took off your binder?”

 

Jamie sat there. He didn’t know. He forgot to take it off before the game, but he was fine for that. He didn’t have too many shifts, probably under 10 minutes of ice time. He didn’t take it off at the doctors. He slept in it. He shrugged.

 

“I… I took it off to shower?”

 

Jordie cursed under his breath. 

 

“Can I?”

 

Jamie didn’t stop Jordie as he reached closer to him, slowly pulling his shirt up to reveal a purple and black bruise crawling from mid stomach then disappearing underneath the fabric.

 

“Oh shit, Jamie.”

 

And then Jamie cried. Jordie pulled him in close and held him, rubbing his back softly and trying not to touch to bruise too much.

 

“Cmon. Let’s go see Michael, okay? We gotta get this binder off.”

 

Jamie followed Jordie to the bathroom, carefully letting him pick at the edges of the binder to help him out a bit. He turned around to take it off, hissing at the pain of trying to lift his arms to put his shirt back on.

 

Michael frowned when he showed up in sweats, with Jordie hovering behind. 

 

“What happened?”


	11. Chapter 11

Jordie was slumped over in the hallway outside of the therapists door, staring daggers into the plaque on the wall that read: Room 1157 Dr. Michael Bordeaux. Michael had led Jamie in, after he saw the tears start to fall and his face turn red. The poor kid was  _ embarrassed. _ Jordie, however, was confused and mad. 

 

This was  _ his  _ fault. Jordie’s the one who listened to Jamie when he told him. He let Jamie wear his old clothes and play video games. He nearly beat up Spencer one time for making a joke about his ‘sister,’ asking why she was always around and had a wicked haircut. He’s the one who had to sit at the kitchen table for three hours past midnight when his parents asked if boarding school would be better. He had to promise to keep him safe, make sure he’s comfortable in the locker room and on the team, and tell them if something was wrong.

 

He couldn’t pick up the phone, so he placed it face down next to him. 

 

He watched silently as a nurse walked in, sending him a sad gaze before shutting the door. 

 

\----

 

Jamie was all tears, snot, and tissues, curled up on the couch and trying his best to huddle away from the nurse who walked in.

 

“Jamie,” Michael sighed, “She just needs to look, really quick. It’ll help, I promise.”

 

Jamie looked up and shook his head.

 

“N-no.”

 

“Would you like to talk about it, first?”

 

“No.”

 

“Would it help to have someone else here?”

 

He shrugged and wiped the tear falling down his face. It hurt, he wasn’t going to deny that. It was even worse now that he was crying. The air felt thicker and he couldn’t get it all in his lungs. He buried his face in his arms and when he looked up again, Jordie was standing in front of him.

 

“C’mon Jam.” he whispered, sitting down next to him and pulling him close. “Just let her check, okay? I’ll be right here.”

 

Reluctantly, Jamie uncurled himself and looked up at Jordie. Jordie gave him a small smile and rubbed a hand down his back, trying to be as reassuring as a 17 year old boy could be. The nurse sat down on the other side of Jamie, putting on some gloves then hesitantly reaching over to the hem of Jamie’s shirt. He clenched his eyes closed and held his breath as she lifted it slowly, just to the area under his chest. She pressed around, making Jamie wince then pulled in back down. 

 

“All done.” she said, taking the gloves off and writing something down on a notepad. 

 

“No practice for three days, and no contact until medical clears you. You definitely don’t have a broken rib and nothing looks fractured, just some bruising. Just don’t do that again, okay? If you had worn that for an hour longer the consequences could have been worse.”

 

Jamie nodded quickly, definitely feeling more embarrassed now after being exposed to the whole room. 

 

Jordie walked out with the nurse, sliding down the wall again and picking up his phone this time. He texted Jason something along the lines of, ‘at the nurse. come over.’ 

 

He did, in fact, come jogging through the hallway about 10 minutes after he sent the text.

 

“Jordie? What’s wrong? Are you hurt?” 

 

Jordie looked up and gave him a weak smile, shaking his head and leaning back against the wall.

 

“What happened?” Jason slid down the wall, wiping the sweat from his forehead as he looked at his boyfriend. Jordie only shrugged in response, then moved to shift his weight onto Jason’s shoulder. He felt a billion times heavier than normal and Jason was becoming more concerned the more he looked at him. He had dark circles under his eyes and those were  _ definitely _ tear marks.

 

“C’mon. We’ll talk about it later.” He whispered and pulled Jordie closer to him. Jordie fell asleep on his shoulder almost instantly and in that moment, Jason didn’t really care what people thought. He just gripped him tight and leaned back, closing his eyes and wondering what the hell was going on.

 

\----

 

Jamie made no effort to wake up his sleeping brother and his boyfriend when he walked out of Michael’s office. He just went past and instead thought about how much shit he’d be in with the coaches.

 

Three days without hockey. That meant he’d miss the game on Tuesday-- and even after that he would play no contact until Kari cleared him. He  _ really  _ didn’t want to have that conversation with Kari, or anyone else, ever. 

 

He opened the door and locked eyes with Tyler, who had looked up from the bio textbook on his lap. 

 

“Jamie!” he said, slamming it shut and tossing it to the end of the bed, then wincing as it fell off and index cards flew everywhere. “You’re finally here to save me from my misery!” He clearly hadn’t noticed Jamie’s lack of wanting to talk. Instead of saying anything, he went and dropped himself down next to Tyler on his bed, pushing his hoodie over his head and slumping down. 

 

“What’s wrong?”

 

“Nothing.”

 

“Bullshit.” Tyler nudged him so he’d look over. 

 

“I got hurt… so I’m scratched.” Jamie was pathetic.

 

“Oh. So you’re missing the game?”

 

Jamie nodded.   
  
“Sucks dude. What happened.”

 

Jamie thought for a second, trying to make something believable. 

 

“I uh. I was in the gym? I clearly wasn’t paying attention and I tripped over some equipment and fell into the weight rack. I bruised some ribs.”

 

Tyler grimaced and shook his head. “That really sucks. Happened to my dad once. He was mountain biking in California and bam-- his front tire hit a rock and he fell straight into the dirt. He was fine after a while though.”

 

That didn’t make him feel any better. He shifted around, trying to get comfortable without being too revealing. Tyler seemed to notice though, and stopped him.

 

“Here. Lemme go get some ice.” he hopped off the bed and walked out of the room, leaving Jamie to fit around in the covers. 

 

\----

 

Jamie showed up to practice anyways, figuring he’d have to tell them eventually--even if they already knew his somewhat odd dilemma. He rapped on the door, waiting for a yell but the door opened almost instantly, Kari smiling warmly and ushering him in.

 

“Huomenta, Jamie.”

 

“Uh. Hi?”

 

Kari chuckled and finished clearing off his table.

 

“I guessed you’d be around soon. Came to talk? Or…”

 

“I...I think so?”

 

“Go for it.”

 

He was standing up, wringing his hands together. Kari had his back to him, but was still paying attention. 

 

“I bruised my ribs.”

 

Kari hummed. “I heard.”   
  
“I’m-- I’m sorry.”

 

“Wouldn’t be the first time.”

 

“What?”

 

“You boys are dumb.” he turned around, “You think you’re invincible… until you aren’t. This isn’t the first time a player has walked in here to tell me about an accidental injury completely unrelated to hockey. Won’t be the last. But, do I need to advise you on the effects of unsafe binding, because, I totally will. I did my research.”

 

Jamie chuckled a bit in attempt to keep his lip from wobbling too much. He was… nice. And calming in a way he didn’t quite understand. 

 

“No… it’s fine. I shouldn’t have kept it on that long.”

 

“You’re right. Have you been icing the bruises?” 

 

He nodded. 

 

“That’s good. And how about you use these days off to rest, yeah?” 

 

“Sure.”

 

\----

 

He didn’t get chewed out by coach, well, not completely. They still had a word with him, but basically said that mental health is more important than hockey and will always be more important. So he was sent home for the rest of the week. 

 

That gave him five whole days to sulk and one and a half of them were spent without Tyler, so he didn’t even have to try to be more masculine. He could be whatever the hell he wanted to be in his dorm. 

 

And so, he decided to do some research. 


	12. Chapter 12

Jamie felt like someone was watching him, which, there wasn’t obviously. He was in his dorm, curled up on the bed with the curtains closed and the door locked. He was still a little dysphoric. He didn’t have a weight on his chest like he should during the day. There wasn’t anything to ground him. He shook off the feeling and pulled up google. 

 

packing

 

And up came a bunch of links on how to pack a suitcase the best. He bit his lip and refined the search a bit more.

 

packing ftm

 

He shifted a bit when the links popped up. He’d only looked this up a handful of times, mostly when he was just learning about trans people and the surgeries and such. It was a little uncomfortable, just the thought of knowing what was on his search history.

 

He scrolled down a bit and clicked on a link from a ftm forum. He skimmed the users and responses until he found what he was looking for.

 

How to pack without a packer:

 

To be honest, he wasn’t sure he really needed to pack. He was only 15 and he wasn’t completely sure what age was normal to be showing  _ that. _ It’s not like he could discreetly find out. He ran a hand through his hair and read what the posts said. It was reasonable. A nearly free way to do this.

 

Jamie closed his laptop and shuffled through his drawer, finding a pair of socks then heading to the bathroom. He stripped out of the shorts he was wearing and looked down at the boxer briefs he had on. Unfortunately, they didn’t really fit like they should. They went up past his hips and were baggy in the front. Where the tucked away pocket was. Where he should have a--

 

Whatever. He didn’t need to panic again. 

 

He stuffed the bundled up socks into the pocket at the front and shifted it around until it looked somewhat normal. It looked okay, he thought, if no one really looked at it. He put his shorts back on and glanced in the mirror. It would make up for the lack of a binder right now. 

 

\----

 

Tyler came in late, looking tired and… soft. His hair was messy and he had definitely been asleep on the bus. His eyes were still droopy when he walked in and dropped his bag on the floor. Jamie was definitely blushing.

 

“How’d the game go?” he asked. Tyler looked warily in his direction. 

 

“We lost. Patrick got a goal but that's it. That team’s a real bitch.”

 

“Sorry man.”

 

“S’fine.”

 

He plopped right into bed and fell asleep. He didn’t even have enough energy to turn off the light or pull the covers up, so Jamie took the liberty to do that. It wasn’t weird, or he hoped it wasn’t. He did have a maybe, small, tiny, little crush on Tyler. Which, he was allowed at least that, considering Tyler kissed him. He let himself have this.

 

\----

 

Tyler woke up in a considerably better mood. Today was Jamie’s last day without practice-- fingers crossed. He still had to check in with Kari, but his chest was starting to feel a little better. It didn’t hurt as much when he breathed and he could laugh without feeling constricted.

 

He sat nervously through french and science, fidgeting whenever the teacher wasn’t glaring at him. He’d been having to dress like trash all week, baggy t shirts and faded gym shorts didn’t make the best impression, but it made him feel better at the prospect of not wearing a binder. 

 

When practice came, he snuck out of the locker room after the initial greetings and went to the medical room. Kari was waiting there like normal, listening to some weird Finnish rock music and shifting tape and braces around.    
  
“Hey, uh. Are you ready?” Jamie said, loud enough but still fairly quiet. 

 

Kari turned around and nodded, motioning toward the bed and walking to get some gloves.   
  
“Feel any better?” he asked as he shut the door.

 

“A little, yeah. It still feels a little bruised but it’s not as bad as before.” 

  
“Sounds good. Can you lift up your shirt a little?”

 

Jamie froze, but remembered this was all to help him. He needed to be okay and to prove he was ready to pursue HRT. Hesitantly, he leaned back and closed his eyes, lifting his shirt up just enough so the bruises were visible.

 

“They look better, not as dark.”

 

Jamie hummed and his breath hitched when he felt hands on his stomach. He tried not to think about it too much when they pushed and ran over his bruises. 

 

“Alright,” Kari said, sighing and letting Jamie sit up, “They look better. You can practice tomorrow, but  _ no contact _ . And I mean it. If something else happens you’ll be out for the season and I can’t sign off on hormones.”

 

Jamie nodded and smiled. “Thanks, uh, for um. Thanks.”

 

Kari smiled and sent him off to watch practice.

 

\----

 

“Do you ever like, wanna tell someone?” 

 

Jamie looked over at Tyler, or at least what he could see of him. The room was dark and the only light was coming from the moon in the window. 

 

“Tell someone…” Jamie’s heart seized, Tyler couldn’t know, could he?

 

“That your… That you like boys?”

 

“That i’m gay?”

 

Tyler coughed. “Yeah, that.”

 

Jamie shrugged. “I mean, I dunno. Jordie knows. You know. Why?”

 

“I just--” Tyler’s voice broke off. 

 

“Tyler?” Jamie sat up and looked over. He sniffed and shifted so he was facing the window.

 

“Nevermind. Goodnight.” His voice sounded wet and it made Jamie sick, but he wasn’t going to push.

 

“Night.”

 

Tyler was gone when Jamie woke up the next morning, but Jamie was too excited to even remember the conversation from last night. He got to skate today, and that was the best news he’d heard in a while. 

 

He knew he wouldn’t be allowed to wear anything too tight, at least until there was zero bruising left, so he opted for a compression shirt and a short sleeve shirt over that.    
  
He was early to the rink, banking on excitement, and already changed by the time Patrick walked in.

 

“Good to have you back man!” he said, coming over to fist bump Jamie then head to his own stall. Jamie got quite a few of those as people walked in, but everyone made him happier. He felt like they actually missed his quiet presence. 

 

Jamie went out before anyone else to get a few laps in, then settled by the side as everyone else came out. Jordie hugged him when he came out, rubbing his helmet and patting his back in support.

 

“Miss me?” Jamie teased.

  
Jordie rolled his eyes. “God no.”

 

Tyler was the last one out and he was back in his happy go lucky attitude. Jamie stared at him as he skated out and tried to get his attention by passing a puck, but all Tyler did was give him a weak smile and skate away. Jamie only got to run a few drills before coach pulled him out and made him go home early. 

 

By the next Monday he was back to full contact and was in the lineup for the next game. Tyler had been acting strange, like on again off again. One day he’d be really happy and cuddly and then the next he’d want nothing to do with Jamie. He figured he shouldn't mess with it. He knows those days. 

 

Sunday was his second hormone appointment. His blood levels were good and he worked out enough that sugar levels weren’t a problem. They did, however, still make him answer the basic questions and do the general check-up. 

 

Jordie went with him again, but he wasn’t as scared this time. 

 

“Everything looks good, so once everything is signed off by your primary physician, parents, coaches, and the team medical staff, you’ll be good to go.” the lady had said. Jamie gulped in nodded, bolting the hell out of there before they took back what they said.

 

Jamie and Jordie sat in silence on the way back, but Jamie was secretly really, really happy. 


	13. Chapter 13

Christmas time got a little hectic for multiple reasons. One, all the seniors were freaking the fuck out and trying to figure out what to do for college. And two, finals. Jamie had had a hell of a past few weeks with being injured and trying to get himself situated, so when he was actually allowed back on the ice and started playing again, he was dumbstruck. 

 

He stayed up late all night trying to do homework, despite Tyler’s protests of sleep being more important. He barely talked to his family. He was also pretty sure he’d been living solely off of KD and ramen for a solid week and a half. 

 

“Jamie!” Tyler whined from the bed behind him. 

 

He turned around and squinted at Tyler. He was shirtless on the bed and looked absolutely miserable because of Jamie’s desk lamp.

 

“Sorry.” he muttered, sighing and closing his laptop then clicking off the light. 

 

“You seriously need to chill about your grades. You're doing fine and like, Edwards doesn’t pick up shit. I haven’t done homework all semester for that class.”

 

Jamie sneered as he crawled into his bed.

 

“Maybe that’s why you’re on academic probation for sports.” 

 

Tyler scoffed and fell backwards.

 

“I’m  _ off _ it now, thank you very much. And you can’t even talk. You had some undisclosed injury for like 3 games. What the hell?”

 

Jamie rolled his eyes and resisted the urge to punch his pillow. As he said, emotions were on a high.

 

\----

 

Jamie tapped his pencil against the desk and stared at the clock. It was 2:15, meaning he had about 30 more minutes to finish his history exam. He glanced around the room. Jake was half asleep with his head on the desk, he was sure Callie was finished as she was just doodling on her test, and Martin was… hell he didn’t know what Martin was doing. Praying? Maybe? Or doing some sort of good grade dance?

 

He shook his head and looked back down at the scantron. He was alright at history. It was a lot of remembering, but, he was generally pretty good with dates and names. Except he couldn’t for the life of him figure out the last 6 questions, all about the old Chinese dynasties and how they fell. 

 

And like, he was sure he could guess. They were reading based questions, so he just needed to  _ read. _

 

But at, now 2:30, all he wanted to do was go home and sleep. He was so tired and they had a game later today that he was not at all prepared for, and wearing a stiff suit all day  _ definitely _ didn’t help.

 

Eventually, he bubbled in the last few questions and let out a long sigh when he walked out of there and back to his room. Tyler was already taking a nap, snoring softly and stripped out of his suit. Jamie loosened his tie and headed to his dresser, pulling out a hoodie and boxers then going to the bathroom to change. When he walked back out, Tyler had shifted and was almost twisted sideways across the bed. Jamie snickered then fell onto his bed, smiling contently when he could finally sleep.

 

When he woke up, it was to the sounds of Tyler nervously cursing as he threw things into a duffel bag.

 

“Woah.” he mumbled, rubbing his eyes. “What’s wrong?”

 

“We’re going to be  _ late! _ ” Jamie glanced at the clock and shot up when he saw the time. They really were going to be late. He shot out of bed and mirrored Tylers actions of haphazardly shoving clothes into a duffel. He rummaged through his dresser to find his under armour and pulled on some tennis shoes so they could both sprint out the door. 

 

It must be a sight to see. Two freshman hockey players running across campus, shoes untied and bags swinging from their arms. 

 

“Shit shit shit shit.” Tyler muttered, turning the corner and nearly knocking into some middle schooler who was walking out of the rink. When they made it to the locker room, they were more than relieved that not everyone was dressed yet and coach hadn’t walked in. 

 

Patrick let out a low whistle when he saw the two of them looking disheveled. Jamie was pretty sure his hair was all over the place because he forgot to grab a cap and he was still wearing boxer shorts.

 

“Finals week has got the freshies boys!” he chirped, nodding over to where they were both pulling things out of the duffel and on to the ground. Tyler flipped him the bird from behind, but Jamie just took his bundle of clothes and sped off to the bathroom. 

 

He changed quickly and ran back out to put on his gear. Jordie nudged next to him when he started to tie his skates. 

 

“Mom called today.” he said.

 

“Okay? And?”

 

“She booked us tickets back home. We leave Friday after school.”

 

Jamie stared at him. He already knew all this. They talked about it on the phone over Thanksgiving.

 

“I know already.”

 

Jordie put his hands up in surrender and stood up.

 

“Alright, alright. Just reminding you. No need for sass.” he ruffled Jamie's hair then went back to his own stall.

 

Jordie annoyed him sometimes. He generally wasn’t a bad, terrorizing older brother, but he still was one and he was pretty good at his job when he wanted to. (See: the tree house incident).

 

Coach came in to do his pep talk and call out the line-up, then sent everyone on their way to the ice. As always, Jamie stepped aside on the bench and scanned the opposing team. He grimaced, just a little, when he saw Troy. He played atom in the same league as him, but he was pretty quiet and they didn’t really know each other. It probably wouldn’t be another Theo problem, but he had to get mentally prepared just in case. He went through his stretches and ran the few drills, then headed out after Radek. 

 

Coach talked a few more strategies before sending them out there again for the first. Jamie sat for most of it. He yelled a bit to the refs when the other team got a bit too rough, but otherwise was quiet. 

 

“You’re up.” Someone tapped him on the back and he stood up, chewing his mouthguard and getting ready to jump over the boards when Alex came off. He sprinted towards the other teams net, trying to help John out a little who was playing a two on one while the rest of the line changed. 

 

“Watch your right!” he yelled as another offensive player skated over the blue line. Mattias came into help as Jamie was trying to intercept a pass. He skated back a little, following one of the players as he looked to get the puck. Someone shot it wide, but he was too slow to get it and they scored off the rebound. 

 

“Fuck!” he yelled, hitting his stick against the boards and skating over to the dmen. 

 

“They’re always gonna try to get it to 22. He’s fast.” Jamie nodded and put in some of his input. 

 

He went to the circle and fought for the puck, getting it then passing it on to Tyler before skating to the bench.

 

They won in overtime, barely. It was a messy game for all of them and it was a miracle they actually won. He was sure they were going to get chewed out by coach, though.

 

\----

 

Jamie opened the door to the room and dropped his bag as soon as he was in. He stepped over his pile of clothes and fell straight into bed. He was waiting for Tyler to close the door and like, start complaining about  _ something _ , but he never did.

 

“What?” Jamie asked.

 

He looked up at Tyler who was staring at him mischievously with his eyebrows raised.

 

“Wanna explain what you were doing in our room?” he asked, reaching over to pick up the neon orange sports bra that was peeking out from under his clothes. 

 

_ Oh shit. _ It must've fallen out when he was packing his bag. 

 

“Uh…” he could feel his face heating up. This was not good. So, not good. He wasn’t  _ ready _ for this and his heart beating a little bit faster.

 

“Ummmm.”

 

“Hmmm?” Tyler, the dirty little shit, was smirking.

 

Oh hell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sooooo what do yall think? is he gonna tell ty yet or not??? lmk! comments and feedback are always appreciated! :)


	14. Chapter 14

“I had a friend over.” Jamie said calmly. He was trying his best not to panic, but it wasn’t doing a whole lot.

 

“Hmmmm. Yeah,  _ okay. _ Who was it then?”   
  


Jamie racked his mind for girls he was remotely friends with. And there was only one: Ellie. Ellie was this small, blond-haired girl in his french class. She was so quiet and so soft spoken that most of the time Jamie forgot she was there. But they were paired together for a project, so he’d met up with her at the library or coffee shop a few times.

 

“Ellie.” he mumbled.

 

“That still doesn’t explain this.” he held up the bra.

 

“I spilt soda on her and offered to give her one of my shirts to wear so she didn’t have to wear that the whole time.” Jamie said in one breath.

 

Tyler was still skeptical, but let it go anyways. He could tell that Jamie was done talking about it and just wanted to sleep. 

 

\----

 

Jamie’s lie was going pretty well for him… until Ellie marched up to him in class a couple days later. He could tell she was angry, even if her 5’2’’ frame didn’t say as much.

 

“Jamie, what is this?” she turned her phone to him and it showed text from Tyler about the bra and how clumsy Jamie was. He winced and closed his eyes for a few seconds.

 

“I’m sorry.” 

 

And  _ fuck. _ Jamie knew better. Of course he knew better. Out of all the guys in his school  _ he  _ knew he shouldn’t have lied in the first place. He knew what it was like to be seen as a girl, a young girl, and to be used like men ruled everything in the world.

 

Her eyes were soft and hurt when he looked at her again. 

 

“I’m sorry Ellie. I really am I just-- I didn’t want to tell Tyler something and that was the safest thing to say, but… I know it was wrong. I do.”

  
Jamie got that she was probably just really embarrassed. She wasn’t used to being the center of attention, and even if the situation wasn’t really that big, she was still the center of  _ someone’s _ attention (see: Tyler Paul Seguin). And the fact that Tyler was comfortable sharing the dilemma with her means he was probably comfortable with sharing it with other people. And guys generally have a way of twisting stories about girls to make them seem more vulgar than they are. 

 

“Fine. Just don’t do it again okay?”

 

Jamie nodded.

 

“And… it’s just a bra, Jamie. Just tell him it got mixed up in the laundry back home.” She cracked him a small smile and walked back over to her desk.

 

Jamie was really, really lucky sometimes. 

 

\----

 

The first semester hockey season was pretty much over after coach gave his, “Don’t do stupid shit over break, eat well, and practice” speech and that meant all seniors could pretty much leave a week and a half early from school. So by default, the rink was dead most days after classes and Jamie was eternally grateful. 

 

This was the only way he could think out all his problems and try to force good thoughts about his exams in. He only had one more day of class left before he and Jordie could leave. Tyler was leaving a day after and kept complaining about it. 

 

“It’s only a day.” Jamie said to him last week, “And you’re leaving in the morning too so it’s not even 24 hours.”

 

“But I’ll still be bored.” Tyler huffed.

 

Jamie got off the ice and went to the bench. He really had to start packing. He didn’t need to bring a lot of clothes back, just his coats and winter clothes, but he needed his laptop and books to do work over the break.

 

Tyler wasn’t in the room when he got back, so he connected his speaker and started listening to music while sorting out his stuff. 

 

When he did come back, he was carrying some vending machine snacks and sodas. 

 

“Are you… not going to eat dinner?” Jamie asked, watching him drop everything on his desk. There was at least four honey buns, a bag of chips, and a few other things. 

 

“I mean, I probably still will but I’m trying to piss off Brendan.”

 

Jamie looked at him weirdly, but shrugged.

  
  


“He got me in trouble in math today, so I bought out his favorite snacks.”   
  


“And you know his favorite snacks because…”

 

Tyler looked him dead in the eye. “Trust me, when you see a kid walk up to lunch with a honey bun, chips, a Pibb, and starburst everyday since 7th grade you start to see a pattern.”

 

Jamie snorted and went back to untangling his wires from underneath the desk.

 

“You want one?” Tyler asked, holding up a honey bun.

 

Jamie shrugged and nodded. “Sure. I guess I can take a break now.”

 

Tyler tossed it to him then flopped on the bed, sighing. Jamie did the same, but flipped out his phone instead. 

 

\----

 

After saying goodbye to Tyler, Jamie grabbed his backpack and suitcase and lugged it across campus to Jordie’s room. Like Tyler, Jason was staying another day then flying home. He waited outside the room and texted Jordie to tell him he was here. 

 

Jordie eventually walked out with his bags, but not before kissing Jason goodbye one last time, and then another when Jamie made a gagging face. 

 

“Y’know, someone's gonna see you two one day if you keep mashing faces like that.”

 

“Fuck off.”

 

Jamie smiled and walked down the hall. 

 

They had almost made it to the bus stop when Jamie heard his name being called. He turned around and saw Michael running down the sidewalk.

 

“Hey?” Jamie said when he got close enough.

 

“Here.” he handed over an envelope. “I meant to give you this before, but I didn’t see you.”

 

“Um. Okay? What is it?”

 

Michael just smiled and winked.

 

“Open it when you want to, but I’m sure you’ll be happy about it. And, congratulations.”

 

He walked away and Jamie turned to Jordie. 

 

“What do you think it is?” he asked.

 

“No clue.”

 

Jamie tucked it away in his backpack and didn’t open it until they were at the airport waiting for their gate. It was just a manilla envelope that was sealed with some tape. Inside were a bunch of papers that didn’t make much sense, until he read:

 

**Jasie Marie Benn**

**Prescription for Leuprolide (Lupron Depot)**

 

**Under the advisement of Dr. Michael Bordeaux**

 

Lupron Depot. Puberty Blockers. 


	15. Chapter 15

His parents made him dress up, for God knows what reason, on his shot day. He was fastening his belt when he got a knock on the door. It opened revealing his sister, who was home for the holidays.

 

“Hey Jam.” she said, smiling warmly and sitting on his unmade bed. He eyed her suspiciously before taking one last look in the bathroom mirror and shutting the light.

 

“Uh, hi?” 

 

She rolled her eyes at his face, which was now scrunched up as he tried to find his other shoe.

 

“I just wanted to say that I’m proud of you and that I love you.” 

 

Jamie stopped and his face turned beet red.

 

“Thanks…” he mumbled slowly, turning to face the closet completely to rummage through the bottom. 

 

She figured she wouldn’t be getting much out of him today. It was  _ his _ special day. He was going to get his shot and then they’d go out for a nice family lunch to kick off the holidays. It was going to be great. 

 

\----

 

“... and after you push down on the syringe a bit, to make sure you have the right amount, you’ll aim on the piece of skin that you cleaned on your thigh and press down…” 

 

Jamie had zoned out on the nurse a while ago. He already knew all this stuff after watching enough trans vlogs or ‘my first T shot!’ videos. He could’ve administered blockers to himself a year and a half ago, if the needle thing wasn’t such a fright.

 

“Now, the team doctor will give you the shot during the season, but you should be able to do it the rest of the year by yourself. It’s a monthly injection, so today is the 20th of December and you’ll need to take it next month near this date as well. Do you want to do the first injection or should I?”

 

“You can do it.” he said, glancing quickly at his mom who was getting ready to film the whole ordeal. 

 

His pants were already folded neatly beside him (so much for dressing nicely), so the nurse lifted up his boxers a little and alcohol swabbed the easiest injection sight. He watched warily as she uncapped the syringe and dipped it in the prescription bottle. He looked at his mom who was on the verge of tears and when he looked back, the needle was pointed near his skin.

 

“Don’t tense up, just relax.”

 

Jamie nodded and took a deep breath, watching her poke the needle in his skin and slowly push down on the syringe. The whole thing didn’t take longer than 2 minutes, but he felt relief flood over him when she put the bandaid on.

 

He’d listened to people explain the feeling of getting T for the first time. It was a relief, happiness, or the feeling of safety. It wasn’t T-- he’d probably have to wait a few years for that, but he’s sure the feeling is mutual. 

 

He smiled at the camera and hopped down to put his pants back on, feeling like a new man when he walked out to the waiting room to hug his family.

 

\----

 

The holidays never felt very long. It was always a whirlwind of family coming and going, parties, and late nights. Christmas this year was quite uneventful. Their cousins came over just like usual, they ate dinner, opened one present after dessert, then the rest when they woke up the next morning. 

 

If anything, it was a little awkward.

 

Most of their cousins are older, like college aged. Except he had a younger cousin who was 7 and she was perhaps the cutest thing Jamie had ever seen. She loved to watch Disney movies but also skated around like the rest of the family.

 

She couldn’t have been older than 5 when Jamie first came out, but she didn’t really know anything either. One day Jamie had long hair, and the next he didn’t. And she was okay with that.

 

He’d heard her mom try to explain it one day, after she asked why Jamie wasn’t wearing their matching dresses for Christmas dinner.

 

“You know how you’re a girl?” her mom had said, in a hushed whisper from the living room.

 

Jamie had peered in and watched her nod.

 

“Well Jasie doesn’t feel like a girl, even though she looks like you.”

 

“Oh.”

 

“But, they’re fixing it now. It was just a mistake and Jasie will be a boy. And they’ll start wearing what papa wears and we’ll call them Jamie.”

 

He watched for a moment as the gears turned in her head.

 

“We call Jasie Jamie?”

 

Her mom nodded and Jamie’s heart sunk when her eyes started to fill with tears. 

 

“What’s wrong hun?” her mom cooed, brushing away the strands of hair from her face.

 

“Ja--Jamie won’t watch Frozen with me anymore! Papa doesn’t like Frozen!” she buried her face in her moms shirt and--

 

That wasn’t what he was expecting. That was so  _ so _ much better than what he was expecting. She was still a kid, there wasn’t any questions or arguing because it made  _ sense  _ to her. And of course he’d still watch Frozen. He loved her. 

 

He knocked on the door frame and sat down next to his aunt, looking unsure of what to do or say. She smiled at him, even if he looked a little childish with a pout on his face. He placed a gentle hand on his little cousins shoulder, coaxing her out of her mom’s shirt and smiled.

 

“I’ll still watch Frozen with you. And we can sing too.” he stage whispered, like it was some big secret that the rest of the house couldn’t hear. 

 

Her eyes widened and she wiped her face.

 

“Really?”

 

He nodded. “Really.”

 

\----

 

It took a few weeks for the effects of puberty blockers to kick in. They weren’t that drastic, either. He was a little more moodier and he felt sick to his stomach sometimes, but he wouldn’t know anything else until he’d taken them for months. He happened to get his period at the end of his break, just before he went back to school and he was beyond grateful that it happened then and not after he got back. It was always a struggle to deal with. 

 

But, the blockers may stop it from happening at all. He just had to keep looking up.


	16. Chapter 16

They got back the second week of January and had a few days to rest up before starting classes again. Tyler was already in the dorm when Jamie shoved the door open and dropped all his bags by the bathroom. Tyler looked up surprised, but smiled as soon as he saw who it was.

 

“Hey man!”  He walked over to bro hug Jamie. “How was break?”

 

Jamie coughed and smiled.

 

“It was good! Seeing the family was really nice.” He noticed Tyler had some sort of glint to him. He was smiling brighter than he was before and seemed overall, a lot happier.

 

“Yeah I’m sure. Did ya get anything good for Christmas?” He flopped onto the bed and tucked his hands behind his head.

 

Jamie shrugged. “Eh, not really. I got some new clothes,” he picked up the shopping bag from the ground, “but nothing that big or exciting.”  _ except blockers, that was pretty big _ .

 

“Yeah? I got some new skates from my parents but that was probably the biggest thing.” 

 

“How’s your family?” Jamie asked, after a moment of silence. He sighed when Tyler’s smile grew even bigger.

 

“They’re great! I got to see my sisters which was so fucking great! Like, I’d never say this too their face, but I missed them  _ so much! _ ” 

 

Jamie chuckled while Tyler pulled out his phone, showing him some of the pictures he got.

 

“Here’s us by the tree… Oh! And here’s my sisters with Santa… this one’s good. It’s my family by the CN tower! I love that thing, it’s so cool…”

 

Jamie smiled and commented when needed. He was just happy Tyler was happy, and hopefully this semester wouldn’t carry so much drama. 

 

\----

 

“Again!” the whistle blew and coach yelled from the bench. It was the first practice back, and always the hardest. No one looked like they were doing their best and the seniors looked possibly more stressed out than before, now that the draft was only 6 months away. 

 

“Fuck!” Tyler wheezed skating up next to him after finishing the drill. 

 

“I know. I feel like shit right now.”

 

Tyler ducked his head to his chest.

 

“I think we’re playing like it right now.”

 

Jamie was up next-- they were doing a weave passing drill with a shot at the end. So far, he’d only missed one pass and even then, it wasn’t a very good one. He skated up the middle, looking over at Radek and passing it quickly, then skating behind and up to the net to wait for a pass that he could shoot in. He shot top right, barely missing the bar and sighing in relief when it went in.

 

He watched Patricks line do it, almost flawlessly. There was no doubt that they’d been working hard over the break. Hell Patrick was getting eyes from Chicago and Spez was definitely getting drafted, no doubt. Who knew what Hammer was going to do but-- he’d probably go too. 

 

He wasn’t sure what’d happen next year without the seniors.

 

Coach called them in a few rounds later and uncapped a marker.

 

“Alright boys, over the break I started to think up some more plays. The ones we do now are too slow and teams have caught on by watching video.”

 

The guys nodded and murmured about it.

  
“I’ve heard that there will be some college and NHL scouts at the next few games. They’re looking not only for talent, but hard work and determination. So if you guys wanna go pro, we have to start looking better than we have been.”

 

More nods, more confirmation.

 

He drew up a few things on the whiteboard and people gave input when needed. The whole scout thing made Jamie a little nervous though. Yeah, he was only a freshman, but they’re looking at everyone! They’re a team, and if everyone can’t play like one, there’s no chance they even make it to state. 

 

His stomach churned at the thought, but he just practiced the plays with everyone else. He knew how to play hockey. He could  _ definitely _ do this. 

 

\----

 

Jamie kept eyeing the clock as his bio teacher droned on and on and on about fatty acids-- or something like that. The first class back a couple days ago was pretty fun, but only because they got to dissect a frog and Radek was squirming the whole time. The teacher didn’t think his lack of english for the disgust was that funny.

 

But, now it was their second week back and they’re first game after the break. They were playing some other Colorado school at home and Jamie was getting antsy. There were only ten minutes left in class, but those ten minutes were taking  _ forever _ . All he wanted to do was get to the rink.

 

Radek pinched his arm after a few seconds on pencil tapping and Jamie shot him a look.

 

“Stop.” he whispered, “She will get annoyed and we will have to stay even  _ longer _ .”

 

Radek was right and Jamie sighed. 

 

As soon as the bell rung, they both bolted out of the door and ran across campus. The locker room was already blaring by the time they walked in. The guys were in various states of undress and someone was blasting Kanye off a speaker. 

 

Jamie dropped his backpack off at his stall and grabbed his duffel to go change. He took off his shirt and pants quickly, then took a few minutes to peel off his binder. He was already sweaty from being under a jacket all day and it just made it a billion times harder for the binder to come off. Once he did it, he put on the sports bra and his loose under armour shirt, then pulled up his pants. He packed everything else away then walked back over to his stall and quickly put on the rest of his equipment. 

 

He was staring at the ground and chewing on his lip when Tyler came over to sit next to him.

 

“You ready?” he asked, pulling his jersey over his head.

 

“Yeah. You?”

 

“You bet.”

 

He put his hand up for a fist bump and Jamie did the same, then he smiled before walking away. Tyler had been acting a little happier since he got back, which was weird, but Jamie wasn’t complaining. 

 

\----

 

Being back on the ice, in front of a crowd, was nice. The student section was a little louder tonight and it made everyone feel a little more confident. 

 

The puck dropped and Jamie watched intently as the other team made their way up the ice. They got a quick shot off, but it bounced and didn’t even go near Ben. Patrick got it back and passed it quickly off the boards to Spez, and then to Jason.

 

It was a fast game, each team only getting a few seconds at a time before something happened. They ended the first period tied with no goals and time to make a more efficient game plan. 

 

Jamie got more time in the second than in the first. They put him, Tyler, Radek, John, and Esa in at around the 15 minute mark. They kept it out of their zone and didn’t draw any penalties, which Jamie thought was pretty okay for the way this game was going. 

 

The first goal happened in the last 3 minutes of the game, where the other team got a too many men penalty and they were on the power play. It was a quick shot from a few feet away, but it just missed the goalies blocker and crept in. Jamie screamed and watched Rads jump on Spez to hug him. They were up 1-0,  _ finally. _

 

The last period was tough fought. Jordie nearly punched someone for hitting Jason and Tyler got a bad check that sent him tumbling into the boards, but they kept the score the same and won.

 

The locker room was even louder than it was before, knowing they had won a game when there had been college spectators involved. Jamie watched the excitement around him as he pulled off his neck guard and unlaced his skates. The guys were slow to shower because it was a Friday and they had nothing to do the next day. 

 

Jamie eventually found an open slot to slip into a shower and draw the curtain so he could undress and stuff his base layer into his bag. He showered quickly, feeling the effects of playing a game so late, then wrapped himself in a towel to move to a bathroom stall to change. 

 

The worst part about changing in the locker room was probably the struggle of putting his binder  _ on.  _ His hair was dripping water down his back and his skin was still damp so it was a battle between himself or wanting to just wear a sweatshirt. But he  _ hated _ not being in a binder in public because he felt like everybody could tell that he wasn’t flat. So, he worked up the nerve and just wrangled the binder on, slipping on a sweatshirt over it and a pair of sweats. 

 

Tyler was long gone by the time he made it back into the main area. He definitely went out with the older guys to some party, Tyler was sure, because the only people left were Antoine, Stephen, and John. 

 

“You gonna come to the party? The other guys just left?” Stephen glanced up at Jamie while he was picking up the rest of his clothes.

 

Jamie yawned and shook his head. “I’m tired man, I’m heading to bed.”

 

“Suit yourself.” 

 

\----

 

“So,” Michael started, hands on his lap and looking at Jamie, “How do you feel?”

 

Jamie fidgeted under his gaze, but relaxed when he remembered that he really felt fine.

 

“I’m good. The shots seem to help a bit, even if they sometimes make me more moody than usual. And we won our game on Friday which was great, because there was some scouts there. I’m really happy for the seniors though because I’m sure they’re gonna make it, but we probably need to get another goalie for next year and--” he paused, face heating up when he realized he was rambling.

 

“I- I’m good. I feel happier.”   
  


“Well that’s fantastic! How was Christmas?”

 

Jamie took a deep breath and started on, talking about being with his family, and the pond hockey they played, and his little cousin who he  _ adored _ and how she was getting really good at skating now and may even get to play hockey next year and…

 

\----

 

The date of his second shot was on a Wednesday, which worked out perfectly because he could just get it after practice. He’d woken up that morning from a reminder on his alarm that just had the shot emoji, followed by ‘today!!!’. It made him smile and he was up and out to breakfast before Tyler had even finished showering.

 

He scrolled through instagram at breakfast, admiring all of the other trans people on his explore page who got to put their shot date in their bio, or the day they’re scheduled for surgery, or their pronouns. He  _ kinda _ wanted to experience that. Show off what he’s earned and be proud of it… but also, nobody here knew. He  _ could _ make another instagram, one that was more public but didn’t make him expose himself, but that’d be a lot of work and there was still a chance someone could find out. He sighed into his bowl of cereal and continued eating. 

 

“Whatcha lookin at?” 

 

Jamie jumped and fumbled his phone, catching it before it fell and making sure it was off.

 

“Nothing. Just… trying to figure out what to get you for your birthday!” he covered it with a smile and went back to his food.

 

Tyler hummed and eyed him, but shrugged a few seconds later.

 

“So I was thinking,” Jamie looked at him. He was scratching his neck. “Do you wanna go pond skating with me this weekend? There’s a little area behind one of the science buildings that no one uses, but it’s really nice.”

 

“Um, sure? Who else is going?”

 

Tyler’s face turned red and he bit his lip. “Just-- just you. And me… is that okay?” He was biting his lip now and Jamie needed to say something to put him out of his misery.

 

“Yeah, of course. That’s fine.” He smiled at him and they bumped elbows a few times when they finished eating.

 

\----

 

Tyler had texted Jamie to meet him at 1 outside of the science hall. It was basically deserted when he got there, bundled up in coats and skates hund over his shoulder. Tyler showed up a few minutes later, coming from the dorm which was farther away than Michael’s office, where Jamie was. Tyler’s cheeks were red and he was sniffling a little.

 

“Are you sick?” Jamie asked, concern lacing his face. Tyler could  _ not _ get sick, not this late in the season.

 

“Nah, I’m fine. It’s just a little cold out today.”

 

He followed Tyler behind the building and onto a trail that led into some trees.

 

“This is like, legal, right?” Jamie asked, stepping over a fallen branch. Tyler rolled his eyes.

 

“Yes, Jamie. This is school property and it’s free for students use.”

 

“Then how come no one goes there?”

 

Tyler shrugged and stopped when they reached a clearing, with a beautiful frozen over pond right in the center. Snow banks surrounded the area, but the ice looked fairly clean and even. Tyler lef them over to a dock on the edge of the pond and they brushed away some snow to sit down.

 

“I think it’s a hockey thing.”

 

Jamie looked over at him as he was tugging off his shoes. “Huh?”

 

“Like, the pond. I think it’s some hockey team secret. They told us about it in 8th grade and brought us out for a skate, but you came as a freshman so you didn’t find out until I told you.”

 

“Oh.”

 

Tyler shrugged. “I mean I don’t know for sure. I’m sure others know about it but try to keep it secret. They don’t want everyone using it.”

 

“Yeah. I get it.”

 

Once they finished tying their skates, they peered over the edge to the ice.

 

“That’s definitely thick enough, right?” Jamie mumbled, reaching down to press on it. 

 

“It’s thick, with 5 c’s.” 

 

Jamie nearly pushed Tyler off the dock, but his goofy laugh stopped him. They carefully got on the ice, skating around a bit to get a feel for it. 

 

“So is this like… a date?” Jamie asked when they had caught up to one another.

 

Tyler stopped and Jamie frowned. He skated back to where Tyler was and put a hand on his shoulder.

 

“I… Is--is it okay if this is a date?” he stammered. He looked down at his feet and Jamie squeezed his shoulder.

 

“Yeah, I’d like if this was a date.”

 

Tyler looked back up, smiling. “So… can I hold your hand?”

 

Jamie nodded and laughed, “Yeah.” 

 

Jamie slipped his hand down Tyler’s arm to lace it with his hand, squeezing a little to reassure him. Tyler was  _ never  _ nervous, so it was kind of weird to see him now.

 

They skated lazily for awhile longer, not wanting to over-do it. But then they started to mess around and it ended up with Tyler slipping over a rough patch on the ice and skidding to the edge where he hit the snow. Jamie laughed so hard he had to tumble next to Tyler, so they were leaning against the snow.

 

“That was so fucking great! I wish I got that on camera.” Jamie wiped the tears from his eyes while Tyler scowled. 

 

“Stupid ice…” he muttered, glaring at the pond. “It’s so uneven.”

 

“It’s a  _ pond!” _ Jamie kept laughing scooting in closer so they were pressed up against each other. Jamie calmed down and leaned in a bit.

 

“Since this is a date…” Jamie looked up in confirmation and Tyler nodded.

 

“This is a date.”

 

“Are we, y’know, dating?”   
  


Tyler blushed and put his hand down next to Jamie’s.

 

“Do you want to date?”

 

Jamie scrunched his nose. “Do  _ you _ ?”

 

“Um, yes? Kinda? But only if you want to.” He said quickly.

 

“Then yeah, we’re dating.”

 

Tyler sighed loudly and put his hand on top of Jamie’s.

 

“That’s cool.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“We can’t tell anyone, though.” Tyler muttered.

 

“I know.”

 

Tyler finally sunk into Jamie’s side, turning his head a little so he was looking up at him. 

  
“I uh…”

 

Jamie looked down at Tyler, who was definitely freezing. His nose was so pink and his lips looked chapped and his hair was matted down under a Maple Leafs toque. Tyler leaned up, putting a hand on Jamie’s shoulder and kissed him. Jamie felt warm against Tyler and it was easy to melt into him. After a few seconds they pulled away, both breathing softly and face turning red.

 

“Do you wanna go get some hot chocolate?” Tyler asked, his voice small and quiet, not wanting to ruin the scene around them.

 

Jamie nodded. “Yeah, let’s go.”


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: a little bit of making out in the end but its nothing too bad

Jamie lifted his gym shorts up to the top of his thigh, then pulled his boxer briefs up a bit. Kari was getting the shot ready and he hoped to God no one was about to walk through those doors. To anyone, this would look sketchy as hell. Especially with play offs about to start (barring they make it in).

 

“You ready?” Kari asked, alcohol pad in hand. 

 

Jamie winced and shook his head. “Not really.” 

 

“You’re gonna have to start doing these on your own, you know. Sooner or later.”

 

“Yeah, I know.” he muttered, motioning for Kari to come closer. “Just do it.”

 

He wiped down the patch of skin and quickly plunged the needle in, stopping to draw back and make sure there was no blood, then pushing down completely. He pulled it out and stuck a bandaid on the site. 

 

“Alright, kid. Go home, it’s getting late and you still have practice tomorrow.” 

 

“Yeah, thanks.” Jamie waved and walked out, walking next to the rink to get out of the arena. The zamboni guy was finally clearing up the ice, for the second time that night, because the figure skaters had practice after them. He held up a hand to him when he finally made it to the doors and the guy smiled back. 

 

One thing Jamie didn’t take in account when changing was the chill factor. He was wearing shorts and a sweatshirt over his thin shirt. It wasn’t doing a whole lot against the wind. Tyler had agreed to take his hockey bag back to the dorm if Jamie could pick up dinner on the way back. Which, yeah, he could.

 

He jogged over to the cafeteria, sighing in relief when he saw that it was still open. He did  _ not _ want another dinner that consisted of fritos and a coke from the vending machines. Not after the first time. He pulled his phone out when he got to the line, checking to see what Tyler wanted.

 

_ chicken sandwich with fries plz _

 

_ dont forget the fries  _

 

_ also ketchup _

 

_ and mayo _

 

_ thank uuuuuu!!! :) :) <3 _

 

Jamie rolled his eyes and locked the phone, slipping it back into his pocket when he got to the front of the line. The lady looked at him with a bored expression and he recited his order.

 

By the time he got back to the room, he was on the verge of hypothermia. He dropped the plate on Tyler’s desk, on top of the textbook he was reading from, and put his next to it. 

 

“Mmmmm thank you.” Tyler hummed, taking off his headphones while Jamie pulled up a chair to sit next to him.

  
“Yeah I almost froze for you, so you better like it.” he teased. 

 

They talked a little between bites, about their days and what they had to do tomorrow.

 

“Hey, why’d you have to stay late with Kari?” Tyler glanced up and Jamie grinned a little at the sauce that was smudged on his cheek.

 

“My neck wasn’t feeling so good so he just worked out a few kinks. It must’ve been from that hit the other day.”

 

Tyler nodded. “Oh yeah, that looked like it hurt.”

 

Jamie was relieved that he was able to play it off that easily. They’d been getting closer over the past month, ever since they went skating. They couldn’t really go on any real ‘dates’, but they still did stuff together. Like just last week they went into town on Saturday night and saw the new Avengers movie. And a couple days before that they tore apart some cardboard they found outside of the rink and went sledding down one of the hills by the gym. It was easy to pass off as friendship, but when they were back in the dorm, they could be a little more touchy feely. 

 

Like laying in the same bed when they watched tv.

 

Or sharing earbuds when they studied.

 

Or even stealing kisses before they went to bed.

 

It was simple and Jamie liked that a lot. 

 

\----

 

“So, little brother, how’s  _ Tyler? _ ” Jordie sing-songed his name and Jamie threw a piece of popcorn at him. 

 

“He’s  _ fine. _ Thank you.”

 

Jordie grinned and winked. “So no troubles in Wonderland?”

 

“Huh, I should be asking you that.” 

 

Jordie raised his eyebrows and chuckled. 

 

“Ooooh, flipping the question back. I like it.” He stood up and ruffled Jamie’s hair when he walked to the mini fridge. He threw a gatorade in Jamie’s lap then went back to sit on the couch.

 

“Where’d you get this thing, anyways?” Jamie muttered, pressing down on one of the cushions like it was toxic.

 

“I dunno, Jason brought it back from home. I guess maybe it was old and they didn’t use it?”

 

Jamie shuddered. “It better be his.”

 

Just then the door opened and in walked no other than Jason. “Speaking of the devil.”

 

“Hey Jam the man,” Jason fist bumped him when he walked past, “I didn’t know you were coming over!”

 

“Yeah, well, here I am… I should probably get going though. I have some homework to do.”

 

Jordie frowned when Jamie stood up. 

  
“Wait, Jay. You don’t have to go.”

 

He shrugged and scratched his neck, looking around the room.

 

“I should though. You guys have to study for finals and we have a game tomorrow so…” he trailed off, motioning for the door. “I’ll see you later.”

 

“Yeah, man.” Jason sighed. 

 

“Okay… Text me when you get back?”

 

Jamie nodded and walked out. He really did have to study.

 

\----

 

“Dude,” Tyler started, whipping out his phone and sitting next to Jamie. They’d just finished a game, so Tyler was still in his gear with sweat dripping from his bangs. “The team pictures just got posted on the website.”

 

Jamie grimaced while he watched Tyler pull up a new tab and type the athletics site in. He clicked around until he got to ‘Men’s Hockey’ and it pulled up a whole new website. It was dark green and black and plastered on the front page was there team picture. They were all standing in a V formation with seniors at the front. There was smoke surrounding them and Jamie had to admit that they looked pretty cool. He didn’t think they'd turn out nearly as well when they first took them. 

 

“Whaddya think?” Tyler asked, looking up at him. He had a huge smile on his face and Jamie could just tell that he was in love with them. 

 

“Not to sound narcissistic, but I think they look great.” He smiled.

 

“Oooooh, big SAT word. Look at you!” Jamie rolled his eyes and pushed Tyler off the bench. 

 

“Go change, you smell disgusting!” he teased, slicking his hair back and pulling off his jersey.

 

\----

 

The next morning found Tyler up early trying to do his math homework. Key word  _ trying _ , he wasn’t very good at it.

 

“Jamieeeeeeeee” he whined, tugging at his hair and twirling to look at him. Jamie was lying in bed and scrolling through his phone. 

 

“What?” he looked up and put down his phone. 

 

“Can you help me with math? Please? I don’t fucking understand this.” he was frowning and Jamie couldn’t help but think of how adorable it was.

 

“Yeah, sure. What is it?”

 

He walked over and sat in the chair next to Tyler. Tyler pushed the paper over to him and Jamie looked down and scanned over the problems. 

 

“Oh. This isn’t that bad, just derivatives.”

 

“Uh, it’s pretty bad.”

 

Jamie rolled his eyes and pushed the paper back. 

 

“Here.” He grabbed the pencil and pointed at the first problem, “Just carry this 4 down and multiply it with the 5, then subtract 1 from the power. So, the answer is…”

 

Tyler thought for a moment, going over what Jamie just said in his head, then wrote down 20x^3. He looked over at Jamie and Jamie nodded and smiled. 

 

“Yep. Now for the second one.”

 

\----

 

“How are you feeling?” Michael asked, putting his clipboard down on the table. 

 

Jamie shrugged. He was feeling okay, but he’d gotten his period yesterday and had to go to the doctor in a week for a checkup and he  _ really  _ didn’t want to go.

 

“I’m not great, but I guess I’m better than before.” He started to scratch his fingers and Michael had to gently reach out to stop him. He blushed and stuck them between the couch cushions.

 

“Why do you say that?”

 

Jamie bit his lip and looked down at his lap. 

 

“I say this all the time, but I seriously hate periods. Like, they’re actually the devil and it’s not  _ fair. _ ” 

 

Like most other people, he got moodier when he was on his period. Things just ticked him off for no reason, like when Tyler fought him for the shower first today. Even though they fight everyday for the shower, it just made him so mad on this particular day. Or when he spilled water down his jersey at practice yesterday. Or when the Canucks lost by 1 goal. He told Michael as much before he had to take a deep breath and close his eyes to keep from crying. He was just  _ so worked up _ . For no reason. He hated this. 

 

Michael gave him some time before he placed a water bottle down on the table.

 

“You know it’s good to let this out.” 

 

Jamie nodded. 

 

“I know. It’s just, I’ve been on blockers for almost two months and  _ nothings _ changed.”

 

“I think you know that that's not true.”

 

Jamie shrugged. “I want it to stop. I can’t even complain about it unless I’m here because no one knows. No one can relate to me.”

 

“Your brother knows. Why don’t you talk to him?”   
  


“It’s weird.” Jamie sniffed. “I don’t wanna bother him. And I don’t want Jason to know.”

 

Michael sighed and wrote something down. 

 

“Have you ever thought about keeping a journal? Where you can write out your thoughts?”

 

Jamie looked up and frowned. 

 

“A diary? No way.”

 

“Why not?”

 

Jamie frowned and looked away, subconsciously scratching at his arm. Michael had to refrain from stopping him while he was thinking. 

 

“I used to have one when I was 8. It was possibly the most girly thing ever-- no offence to girls-- but I hated it afterwards. I think I burned it or something.”

 

“Well, I think it might do some good to write your thoughts out to vent, if you don’t want to talk to someone. You think you can try that? Bring it back in the next session?”

 

“Yeah, I’ll try.”

 

\----

 

They had just gotten back from dinner with the guys. It was Friday, and all of the seniors had submitted their college applications earlier that day. Jamie wasn’t sure if secondhand stress was a thing, but if it was, then he was definitely getting it. 

 

The other occasion they were celebrating was Tyler’s birthday. He was turning 16, which was pretty old for a freshman, but it didn’t really matter. They’d brought out a cake and sang, and after that they gave him presents. Most of the stuff was gag gifts. Patrick gave him an old, faded Northway shirt he’d got as a freshman and Jason gave him a pack of hockey cards. Jamie, however, waited until they got back to the dorm. 

 

They were sitting on his bed when he pulled a box out from under his bed. It was wrapped in blue wrapping paper and had a white bow on the top. 

 

“You wrapped this yourself?” Tyler asked, graciously taking the box form Jamie. Jamie nodded and blushed. 

 

“I had to watch a few youtube videos.” he mumbled, scratching the back of his neck. 

 

Tyler chuckled and scooted closer to Jamie, so they were pressed against each other. He started unwrapping the box carefully, taking the bow off first then breaking the tape.

 

“You can just rip it y’know.”

 

“Yeah, but this is special. You took time on this and I’m pretty sure it’s not an old t shirt with pit stains.” 

 

Jamie laughed and watched as he peeled the rest of the paper off the box. He dropped it on the bed next to him then moved to open the box. The inside had blue and white tissue paper and Tyler could start to see a vibe. He pulled it off and gasped when he saw the inside.    
  


“Oh my God Jamie. What the fuck.” 

 

Jamie froze. “Do you not like it?” he asked, voice small. Oh God. He’d spent his whole savings from the year on this.

 

Tyler looked up at him, his mouth still in an O shape. 

 

“You're fucking crazy. I love it! I love you oh my God.”

 

He took the jersey out of the box and held it up to the light. The TAVARES seemed to reflect off of it and Tyler immediately brought it back down and put it over his shirt. 

 

“How do I look?” he asked, standing in front of Jamie and smiling widely. 

 

“You look great! But there’s also something else.”

 

Tyler frowned and sat back down, picking up the card at the bottom of the box. Jamie looked over his shoulder as Tyler read the letter then opened the envelope.

 

“No fucking way. No way. No.” he stood back up and looked at Jamie, who was honest to God giggling. He loved this.

 

“What?” he asked innocently.

 

“No you can’t do this!”

 

“What?”

 

He pulled out the tickets and held them in front of Jamie’s face.

 

“Are these for us?”

 

“No,” his smile dropped, “They’re for John and Radek.”

 

Tyler's eyes grew wide. 

 

“I’m  _ kidding _ . Yes, they're for us. We’re seeing the Avs and the Leafs play in two weeks. It’s a Christmas  _ and  _ Birthday present.”

 

Tyler’s eyes were bright as he put the tickets on the bedside table and swept the box off the bed. He smiled and grabbed Jamie’s shoulder, leaning down and kissing him slowly. Jamie moved on the bed so his back was propped up against the pillows and Tyler moved with him. He kicked off his shoes and leaned against his arm. They kissed again and Jamie was so lost that he wasn’t even insecure about anything anymore. In between breaths, he pulled off his jacket and just stared at Tyler. He was breathing heavily and his hair was sticking out from where Jamie had pushed on his head. Jamie was sure he wasn’t looking much better.

 

“Keep going?” 

 

Jamie nodded, eyes wide and he pulled on the front of the jersey.

 

“This is… so hot.” he whispered. 

 

Tyler was smug when he leaned his head down and mouthed at Jamie’s neck. He moved back up after a few seconds and slipped his hands under Jamie’s shirt. It was fleeting, but Jamie froze. He put a hand on Tyler's chest and he immediately pulled back. 

 

Jamie had his eyes squeezed shut. That was so close and his dumb ass  _ forgot. _ He wasn’t normal. He couldn’t do  _ that. _

 

“Jamie? Are you okay?” Tyler sounded scared and when Jamie opened his eyes, he saw him close to tears. 

 

He nodded. 

 

“Yeah… Sorry I just…” he croaked. 

 

Tyler shook his head and took a deep breath.

 

“No, I didn’t know you didn’t want that. I should’ve asked.  _ I’m _ sorry.”

 

Jamie gave him a watery smile and held out his hand. Tyler took it and Jamie pulled him next to him and leaned over.

 

“It’s ok Ty. I’m fine.”

 

“You sure?”

 

Jamie nodded and rested his head on Tyler’s shoulder.

 

“TV?” he asked.

 

Tyler nodded and Jamie flipped it on, and they fell asleep to SportsCenter.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning for mentions of throwing up!

Jamie knocked on Jordie’s door, rocking on the heels of his feet.

 

“One second!” he heard Jason call. He cursed and steadied himself, then the door opened.

 

“Oh, hey Jamie. Jordie’s in the bathroom but he’ll be out in a minute.” He opened the door wider and let Jamie in. 

 

“You want anything to drink?” Jamie shook his head and dropped on the couch, watching Jason kick a pile of clothes to the corner.

 

“So, what’s up?”

 

“Nothing. I just needed to ask Jordie a question.”

 

Jason nodded and plopped on his bed, unpausing the TV which was on Impractical Jokers. Jordie came out a minute later with a towel wrapped around his lower half. 

 

“Is this really what you guys do? You just walk around half naked when you’re near each other?” Jamie yelped, closing his eyes and pointedly looking away from his brother.

 

“What? And you don’t when you’re with Tyler?” Jason shot back. 

 

Jamie tensed and he was sure Jordie noticed, but he didn’t say anything.

 

“No.” he bit back, “I  _ don’t. _ ” 

 

Jason put his hands up in mock surrender and Jordie grabbed some clothes.

 

“I’ll be right back.”

 

When he was changed, Jordie grabbed Jamie’s arm and led him outside into the empty hallway. 

 

“What’s up?”

 

“Can you go with me to the doctors today? I have an appointment at 3.”   
  


Jordie nodded and checked his watch.

 

“Do you wanna meet at the bus stop in an hour? I gotta get lunch.”

 

Jamie nodded and looked around before he leaned in and gave Jordie a hug. Jordie was shocked at first, but hugged back soon enough. Doctors always made Jamie feel super vulnerable, even when he was younger. He hated that for him.

 

\----

 

When they got to the office, it had the same sterile smell as always. Jamie signed himself in and then went back to the stiff chairs. He sat rigidly for a while, glancing around the room every few minutes before Jordie got sick of worrying and pulled him into his side. 

 

The nurse finally called his name and Jordie gave him a small smile as Jamie looked at him. 

 

“I’ll be right here.” he said. 

 

The nurse took his weight, height, and blood pressure before leading him in the room to change. 

 

“The doctor will be in soon. Just change into the paper gown.”

 

Jamie nodded and looked down at the folded gown on the bed. He hated this part. He took a deep breath and robotically started to take off his shirt and pants, throwing them in a pile on the chair. He winced trying to take off his binder, but managed to get it off without hurting too much. 

 

When he finally got the gown on, he sat on the bed folded in on himself. He hated being this open. It made him so uncomfortable. 

 

The doctor did his routine checkup, but put special attention on his chest and stomach. These were the parts that were more affected by the blockers and it made Jamie want to curl up into a ball and cry.

 

The only good part was that he hadn’t gotten his period yet, and he was hoping that that meant it was over. 

 

By the time his check up was done, the doctor had put him on a track to starting testosterone. He had more check up dates and more therapist appointments, but now he had a timeline. If all went right, he could start T by the summer. He needed that. He had a goal.

 

He didn’t say much to Jordie after he walked out. He was too emotionally drained to speak and all he wanted to do was sleep. So he leaned on Jordie for the bus right back while he rubbed a hand on his back. 

 

All he had to do was get through the rest of this week and he’d be fine. 

 

\----

 

Jamie woke up from the bumpy bus ride. He smelled Tyler’s shampoo and realized that they were both leaning on each other and sharing a blanket and earbuds. The new Drake album was still playing. Thankfully, it was dark and they had chosen the seats at the very back of the bus, so their position wasn’t too compromising. 

 

He looked out the window and saw the snow falling and the tall mountains in the background. It was stunning. The moon was bright and he could just barely make out the outline of the mountains. 

 

Over their week break, the team decided to do some team bonding before the play-offs, which they had clinched last week. They were going to Vail to snowboard and ski  _ and _ they got to room with whoever they wanted. 

 

Jamie looked up and saw Jordie and Jason watching a movie a few rows up, Spez was sitting across from Patrick, Radek, Antoine, and John managed to squeeze into a row to watch The Office, and the rest of the guys were scattered around either sleeping or on their phone. 

 

He pulled his phone out of his pocket and checked the time. It was almost 2 AM, so they should be close to the resort. He glanced at Tyler who was still sleeping and decided to close his eyes for a little longer. 

 

The second time he woke up, Tyler was shaking him and looking bleary eyed at the bright lights of the resort. It looked like a cabin, from what he could see. 

 

“C’mon, we gotta get up.” Tyler mumbled and started walking down the aisle. Jamie followed him to the bottom of the bus and pulled his bags out. They walked in to get their room from coach and immediately headed toward the elevators, not talking to any of their friends.

 

“God, I am  _ so  _ tired.” Tyler slumped against the elevator rail and closed his eyes. Jamie snorted at him.

 

“You shouldn’t be, considering you slept the whole way here.”

 

Tyler opened his eyes to glare at him, then huffed when the doors opened on the fifth floor. 

 

“Alright, c’mon you big lug.” Tyler followed Jamie to their room and fell right onto his bed, not bothering to take his slides off.

 

Jamie chuckled and walked over to his bed, taking his shoes off on the way and putting his phone on the bedside table. 

 

“Night, Ty.” he peeked over to the other bed, but all he got were soft snores.

 

\----

 

Jamie much preferred snowboarding over skiing, even after he saw Gus Kenworthy plastered all over ESPN’s body issue. That was a great awakening, he thought. 

 

Jordie had texted him in the morning, reminding him not to wear his binder because this still counted as physical activity. Jamie grumbled and put a tighter sports bra on under his base layer. He put on his ski pants and socks, then a t shirt. Tyler was scrolling through his phone when he got out, but he’d managed to at least get dressed. 

 

“You ready?” Jamie asked. Tyler looked up and nodded.

 

“I think I overate at breakfast.”

 

Jamie frowned. “What makes you say that?”

 

“My stomach is killing me.”

 

He looked over warily and Jamie just shrugged.”Just… don’t throw up on me, okay?”

 

“I’ll try.”

 

By the time they got down to the board rental, most of the guys were already strapping on their shoes. Jamie tugged on his jacket and zipped it up.

 

“You grab shoes and I’ll grab boards?” he asked Tyler who had already zoned out, staring at the TV above him. Jamie snapped in front of his face and Tyler jumped back.

 

“Huh?”

 

“You get shoes and I’ll get the boards, cool?”

 

“Yeah, yeah. Sure. What size?”

 

“8.”

 

They took the lift up to the top of the mountain after getting all of their gear. 

 

“Are you good?” Jamie asked, watching Tyler stare out at view.

 

“Yeah, I’m fine. Just nervous for play-offs.”   
  


Jamie nudged him a bit. “Don’t be. We’ll be fine.” 

 

Tyler just shrugged in response, not talking until they caught up with the rest of their team.

 

\----

 

Of course, they couldn’t be on break without practice, which is how they found themselves in possibly the most beat-down rink 10 miles from their resort. Jamie was heaving, after not doing anything but snowboard for the past few days and Antoine was just laughing at everyone from the bench and squirting water as people skated by. He’d gotten injured in the last game and was on strict no skate orders until playoffs, maybe even for the rest of the year. That didn’t stop him from being the designated hot chocolate guy during their week, though.

  
  


“I didn’t miss this at all.” Tyler had shouldered into him and watched everyone take shots on Ben.

 

“Same.”

 

He took a deep breath at the same time coach yelled “Boys!” at the other end of the rink.

 

“ _ Shit. _ ”

 

10 rushes later, Jamie was slumped over the toilet and throwing up everything he’d eaten for lunch. He groaned and placed his back against the stall. He’d barely had enough time to put his skate guards on before running into the bathroom and now he was feeling the weight of his pads. 

 

“Jamie? You in here.” Jordie yelled, walking into the bathroom. Jamie looked up just in time to see Jordie’s eyes widen at his sight.

 

“Oh, kid…” he muttered. He sunk down to sit on the floor next to him and took the wet washcloth in his hand to his head, wiping down the sweat and spit. Jamie leaned into the coolness and closed his eyes to stop everything from spinning. Not to mention he was shaking pretty bad.

 

“Did you feel sick before?” Jordie asked, pressing a water bottle to his lips.

 

Jamie shook his head and took a gulp. “I think it might be altitude. Or maybe just the sprints.”

 

Jordie sighed and stood up, flushing the toilet.

 

“You think you can stand?”

 

Jamie nodded and grabbed Jordie’s outstretched hand.

 

“M’sorry.” Jamie mumbled on the way back to the locker room.

 

“What about?”

 

Jamie shrugged and looked around. Most of the guys were just coming in. “Getting sick.”

 

Jordie stopped and looked down at his little brother. “You can’t be apologizing about that, y’know.”

 

“Whatever.”

 

They’d made Kari check him over to make sure it wasn’t a side effect of hormone blockers, but then they let him change and get back to the cabin. They only had one day left, so he spent it curled in his bed watching TV. Tyler had come in after lunch to lay next to him in the bed, despite Jamie’s protests that he might get sick. (“I don’t care about that, just means more time that we get to snuggle.”)

 

\----

 

“Hey Jamie, can we talk?” Jordie had cornered him after practice. He scrunched his eyebrows and looked down at his phone.

 

“Uh, I was kinda about to get dinner-”   
  


“C’mon, we can get dinner.”

 

Jordie took his arm and dragged him out of the room. Jamie locked eyes with Tyler who gave him a concerned look, mostly because it was Wednesday and that meant they ate dinner over a movie while wrapped up in a blanket. He would have so much explaining, dammit.

 

“Ok,” Jamie sighed, once they were out in the courtyard, “What is this about?”

 

Jordie turned around and looked Jamie in the eye, placing a hand on either shoulder.

 

“I’m… i’m gonna tell mom and dad.” 

 

“About…?” Jamie looked around.

 

“Jason… and I.”

 

Jamie stilled. “Oh.”

 

“I…” Jordie’s eyes started watering, “I think I need to do this… before college and all that and I don’t want to wait until senior year because prom and all that and… yeah.”

 

“Um. Okay.”

 

“Okay?” Jordie gave him a small shaky smile.

 

“Yeah.”

 

\----

 

“Jamie? Hey what’s-- ooooooooh.” Tyler winced, looking down at Jamie who had his face in a toilet bowl for the second time in a week. 

 

“Hey…” he tried to be comforting, getting down on his knees next to Jamie and putting a hand on his back. He rubbed it softly up and down over his sweatshirt.

 

Jamie braced himself on the side of the tub before he looked up at Tyler.

 

“You can go if you want.”

 

“Nah dude, I’m fine. Just wanted to see if you’re okay?”

 

Jamie shrugged and reached up to flush the toilet. 

 

“Did you eat?”

 

Jamie shook his head while Tyler got a glass of water from the sink.

 

“I… family stuff…”

 

Tyler gave him the water and sat down beside him, reaching up to push back his hair. He really needed a haircut.

 

“You wanna talk about it?”

 

Jamie shrugged. “Jordie’s gay.”

 

Tyler look taken aback, but quickly recovered. “Okay…”

 

“He’s telling our parents. And, I’m kinda scared.”

 

Tyler let out a breath. “I’m starting to think I shouldn’t have asked.”

 

Jamie looked up with wide eyes and Tyler panicked.

 

“Ok, I didn’t mean to say it like that! What I  _ meant _ was, I probably shouldn’t have asked since it’s not my business. But, I’m glad you’re talking about it rather than keeping it in.”

 

Jamie huffed and smiled.

 

“Yeah I guess.”

 

“So,” Tyler looked down, “Do you think they’ll be mad at him.”

 

“No, but I’m not sure how they’ll deal when they realize they’ll never like… that we won’t ever bring home a girl.”

 

Tyler frowned and looked back up. “If it makes you feel any better, I kinda get it.”

 

“Yeah, I guess you do.”

 

Jamie started to get up and Tyler followed him. 

 

“Do you have any more homework?” Jamie asked once they walked back in the bedroom. Tyler quickly walked past him and shut off the lamp by his desk.

 

“Not anymore.” he gave a smile and ran a hand through his hair.

 

“TV?” 

 

“Yeah.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments feed the writer


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heres some angst!!! a whole lot of it!
> 
> plus i've decided to add an epilogue, so there will be two more chapters

All things considered, Jordie thinks the whole ‘coming out’ thing wasn’t that bad. It happened on a Tuesday night after Jordie went out with Jason. This time, they actually went  _ out. _ Neither one of them had homework and Jordie had a stressful day, so Jason suggested getting an uber and finding somewhere nice in town.

 

And so they got there, Jason pulled out a fake, and it kinda went downhill from there.

 

Jordie had a beer, not enough to really hinder him, but enough to give him some liquid courage. 

 

“I think im gonna do it.”

 

“Huh?” Jason was in the middle of chewing his burger. Jordie had been twirling a french fry in his fingers for the past 3 minutes, but Jason chose not to comment on it.

 

“I gotta go tell my parents.”

 

“Right now?” he looked down at his watch, “It’s like 7.”

 

Jordie shrugged and glanced down.

 

“I can’t keep doing this. Hiding, I mean.” Jordie ran a hand through his hair and leaned against the table. Jason was trying his best not to look surprised. 

 

“Alright.” He huffed out. “Check, please?”

 

10 minutes later found the two of them leaning against the brick wall of the alley next to the restaurant. It had gotten warmer out, which they were both glad for. Jordie pulled out his phone and stared at the contact.

 

“I’m right here.” Jason gave his hand a tight squeeze and Jordie took a shaky breath. They both waited as the phone rang and everything around them seemed to go silent as it went through.

 

“Mom?” 

 

“Jordan? Hold on honey, I was just putting away dinner. Let me put you on speaker.”

 

Jordie gulped and looked at Jason, who smiled back.

 

“Ok. I’m back. How’s school? I saw your game on Saturday! I can’t believe how far you guys have made it in the play offs!”

 

“Um, yeah it’s… it’s good. Listen, mom, there’s actually something I want to talk to you about.”

 

“Oh?” her voice changed. “Is everything alright? Is it Jamie? You know, his therap--”

  
“It’s not Jamie. Don’t worry.”

 

“Oh…” Jordie could practically see her confused frown through the phone. God, he hated this. “What is it?”

 

Jordie looked at Jason. He knew he could hear everything being said and he wasn’t sure if he liked it or not.

 

“I’m gay.”

 

It was quiet for a few seconds, just breathing over the phone line. Jordie’s eyes had already started watering and Jason was about to pull the phone away when,

 

“Oh. That’s all?”

 

Jordie pulled the phone away and muffled the speaker, looking frantically at his boyfriend. Jason had a small smile now, crisis averted. 

 

“What?” he choked out.

 

She sighed and Jordie slumped down on the concrete.

 

“Honey, nothing is  _ ever _ going to change the fact that I love you.  _ Nothing. _ I don’t care what you are or how you portray yourself, you are still my child and I will always love you the same.”

 

Oh, man. Jordie was so relieved.

 

\----

 

“Shit fucking heck what the heck!” Jamie tripped across the room, falling over his backpack and landing face first in his pile of dirty clothes. From across the room, he could hear Tyler's chuckle and it made him want to throw a stapler at him, or something. 

 

“You okay over there?”

 

“Fuck you.”

 

Jamie was lying on the carpet now, holding his phone in one hand and clutching a glass in the other. 

 

“Hey, I mean…” Jamie looked up while Tyler wriggled his eyebrows. It made Jamie blush, no matter how hard he tried not to feel anything about it.

 

“Shut up.” he dug his face back down into a shirt and grimaced at the smell of sweat. That was definitely a practice shirt, ugh.

 

“We gotta be at the rink in half an hour, y’know. Dinners at 5.”

 

“Yeah, yeah.”

 

This was the third game of the second round for them. They’d managed to sweep the first team, and now the effects of playing consistent hockey was starting to bear down on the team. All the seniors basically knew their plan by now, whether they’d play in college or go to the draft. However, everyone else was still trying to make it and it was wearing out their bodies. Jamie had already taken two ice baths this week and it was only Wednesday. 

 

“Are you okay though, for real?” Tyler asked, plugging in his phone.

 

“Yeah I’ll be alright.”

 

Tyler nudged him with his foot on his way to the bathroom. It made Jamie smile. 

 

\----

 

There was 12 minutes left on the clock when Jamie went in. They were down by one, and coach had basically told him to bust his ass and get the puck. 

 

He sprinted down the ice, setting up to try to block his opponent from getting too close to the net. Somehow, he’s not entirely sure how, the puck made its way to the corner and he went after it. He didn’t really notice anything was wrong. Didn’t see the guy nearly twice his size come barreling after him. 

 

He realized his mistake about midway through flying in the air. It happened in slow motion. They other player, taller and bigger than even Patrick, hauled down with the puck in his eye. He crouched down and elbowed Jamie  _ hard _ while he wasn’t looking. He felt his skates leave the ice just about when he saw the look of shock from someone, Radek, maybe. He’d hit the ground hard on his shoulder, first, then his head came slamming down with a crack. 

 

In that moment, everything had dimmed. Or maybe it got louder, brighter. Jamie couldn’t tell the difference. He’d heard whistles and yelling, but everything hurt too much to see what was going on. He had a feeling his hearing was going in and out, because he’d heard “Jamie!” loud and clearly, but he couldn’t hear what came after it. It sounded jumbled. But maybe that was just him.

 

He could, however, feel the ice on his skin. He could tell he didn’t have his gloves on anymore, maybe even his helmet. His head felt numb and fuzzy.

 

“Jamie? Jamie!”

 

He groaned, doing his best to roll himself over to look up. 

 

“Hey hey hey, no. None of that, nope. Hey bud, c’mon. Can you open your eyes for me?”

 

He tried to say no, but he thinks it came out more like “naeugh”. 

 

“Can you hear me?”

 

Jamie didn’t say anything, but he felt someone trying to move him. Someone else, the same soothing voice as before, was still speaking to him. He was supposed to stay awake.  _ Needed _ to stay awake. Something about a concussion. Maybe. His shoulder hurt like hell, but his head was pounding and throbbing. 

 

“Hey buddy, I’m still here. I need you to open your eyes Jamie. It’s not as bright as before, I promise. Just open them a little, huh?” 

 

Jamie tried his best, squinting a bit.

 

“Hey that’s good.”

 

“Whare am egh?”

 

“You’re in the med room.”

 

“Jor?”

 

“He’s… still out there. Maybe.”

 

Jamie groaned again and shut his eyes. 

 

\----

 

Jordie swore he saw his life flash before his eyes. His whole life. He saw baby Jamie after he was born, all swaddled up in a blue blanket. He saw their joint birthday party when he turned six. He saw the first day all three of them were in the same school building. Fifth grade graduation. The middle school dance. A haircut. Throwing away clothes. Passing down clothes. A courthouse. Two letters of acceptance. Visiting a college. Skiing. A Christmas tree. A jersey. A frozen pond. Skates. His parents. A smile. A movie theater. A doctor's office. Tears. And then red.

 

It took him maybe 5 seconds to realize that he needed this kid who had caused him so much grief and worry and anxiousness and utter annoyance in his life. 

 

He tore away from the bench punched the guy straight in the nose with no warning. He kept punching him until they both eventually fell to the ground and there was blood on both of their jerseys. They’d both managed to wrestle around and get some hits in, but Jordie felt absolutely none of it.

 

Someone was pulling him away, tugging him by his torn jersey back to the bench. And then he was in the hallway.

 

Then he heard someone in an absolute state of panic.

 

He turned around, whoever it was that was pushing him to the locker room had let go. Tyler was standing by the door of the locker room that led to the hallway. His helmet was a few feet away and his gloves were haphazardly strewn across some lockers. 

 

“Come on! Let me in  _ please! _ I have to- I have to go  _ in _ !” he was trying to push one of the trainers out of the way but he wouldn’t budge.

 

“Please! Please let me go in! I gotta!” he broke down into sobs, still pushing against the mans chest. Jordie was still a little out of it, but that voice made him snap back into older brother mode. He frowned at both of them.

 

The guy was trying to calm him down now, holding his shoulders and guiding him toward the bench. But Tyler was just red-faced with sweaty hair and tears everywhere. He was still yelling at the guy and trying to convince him to let him in the room, but Jordie had a pretty good sense of what was happening in there. 

 

“Hey, Tyler. Bud. Look at me.” He walked over, sitting next to him and pulling him into his chest. Tyler immediately tried to push away, but he had no fight left in him anymore. 

 

“Hey. Look.” He shook his shoulder until he looked up, wiping away his tears.

 

“Jamie’s gonna be alright. I know it was scary, but he’s a fighter, ok?” 

 

Tyler sniffed and looked toward the door.

  
“I wanna go in.” 

 

Jordie sighed. He knew what was going on in there. 

 

“No you don’t, kid. Jamie’s hurt right now and there’s a lot going on in there. Too much for you and me.” he thought for a moment before looking into the locker room.

 

“Go hit the showers. You’re not going back out there.”

 

Tyler popped up and shook his head.

  
“Go. The guys’ll be out in a few minutes anyways, there probably doing some damage control. Just go on and get ready now. It’ll feel better than freezing in your gear anyways.”

 

He watched Tyler get up. He kept wiping at his face, trying to maintain some dignity. Then he took a deep breath and put his head in his hands.

 

Jamie Jamie Jamie. 

 

\----

 

Jamie’s pretty surprised he hadn’t passed out yet. Though, he barely knew what was going on around him anyways. They’d cleared the room a few minutes ago and only left the primary doctors and staff. He had a good idea as to why. 

 

“Hey Jamie.” That was Kari. He knew that. “We gotta take you to the hospital, ok? Your parents are on there way now. There on the first flight they could get. But we gotta take some gear off, ok? It’s too heavy right now.”

 

Jamie made a noise and he’s sure he doesn’t have another option right now. Not with the pain shooting down his side or the throbbing in his head. 

 

He felt people moving around him now. Someone took off his skates and another person started to unwrap the tape and take off his socks. They’d cut his jersey already, he knew that. They’d probably cut through his pads too, just so they didn’t have to jostle him. 

 

And then they’d cut through his shirt. Then through his bra.

 

And then he’d be exposed. With only the decency of a towel and a blanket over his shorts while he was taken to the hospital. 

 

\----

 

He comes to in a bright room with a steady beeping. His arm was sore and his head still hurt, but it was manageable now. He squinted around the room and let out a small sigh, then passed out again.

 

The second time, everything hurt a little less. He woke up completely to see his whole family sleeping in the chairs around him. It was dark outside. Night time.

 

The third time, there were more people. Doctors and family and teammates. He got a mild concussion and broke his collarbone and fractured his forearm. That’s what they told him at least. He was a little shaky, but he talked a little and ate and basked in the care of his parents. Jordie was a little worse for wear, but he managed a light conversation.

 

\----

 

He was allowed to leave a few days later. He was under strict order to keep action to a minimum, but its not like he could do anything with his cast. His family waited outside as he walked into his dorm. He was going to stay off campus for a few more days, until everything was at least slightly better, and then he’d go back. But he wanted to talk to Tyler first. 

 

The dorm was pretty empty. But he knew Tyler would be in since he didn’t have a class then. He knocked on the door and held his breath. When he opened it, Tyler looked like hell. He had dark circles under his eyes and he was pale and the room was a mess of clothes and food packets.

 

Tyler pulled him into a hug and nuzzled his face into his uninjured shoulder.

 

“I hate you so much.”

 

Jamie grimaced. He was also under strict orders to not wear a binder, or bra. Mostly because it was a pain to get on right now, so he was feeling a little self conscious in his t shirt and oversized sweatshirt. 

 

“Sorry.”

 

They moved inside and Tyler shut the door. It was quiet as they moved onto his bed, sitting across from each other. 

 

“I guess Jor told you I’d be gone for a while.”

 

Tyler nodded sadly. “Yeah. I’ll miss you, y'know.”

 

“I know.”

 

He sighed and looked down at his comforter. This was way harder than he first thought.

 

“Ty… I think I gotta tell you something.”

 

Tyler’s head shot up. He was frowning and it looked like a fresh wave of tears might start. 

 

“What?”

 

“I…” Jamie's eyes were watering now. He hated this. He didn’t want Tyler to hate him and he didn’t want to lose anyone but he had to know. It wasn’t fair to him if he didn’t. Not after the week he’s had. 

 

“I can’t make you promise me to not hate me after this, and I know that. But I just want you to know that everything, these past few months, have been real. I love being your friend, or boyfriend, or whatever. I valued that. You’ve been amazing to me and you helped me out when I first came here. You’re so kind. So that’s why I trust you to tell you this.”

 

“What is it?” he choked out. 

 

Jamie sighed and pulled out his phone. 

 

“Um… so you know me as Jamie… but I haven’t always been that and.”  

 

He shoved the phone in Tylers hand. He knew the picture by heart. It was taken exactly three days before Christmas at a Canucks game 5 years ago. He was wearing a white sweater with a toque pulled low. His hair went past his shoulders and he was smiling so widely he thought his face might split in two. His mom had positioned him right in front of the stadium and took out her phone. (“Say cheese on 3, Jasie!”).

 

“I’m transgender and uh, I was born a girl, but I’ve been living as a guy for a few years. I’m in the process of transitioning fully. And I really, really hope you don’t hate me.”

 

He let out a shaky breath and looked up. 

  
  
  
  
  
  


 


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> only one more after this!!!

Tyler stared at the picture for what felt like an hour before he looked back up at Jamie. Jamie was biting his lip and picking at his nails and it wouldn’t be long before he’d start to panic. The silence was eating at him. Tyler looked down again and put the phone in between them. 

 

“Oh.” He drew his hands up to his chest and stared at his lap. 

 

“Tyler,” Jamie’s voice was cracking now, “Can you say something, please?”

 

“I just… I just need a few minutes. I… just… just wait here. I need to…” he trailed off as he stood up, shoving his feet in some flip flops and walking out the room. Jamie watched him in shock and everything around him narrowed down to a quiet buzz. He barely even registered Jordie walking through the door and crouching in front of him.

 

“J? Hey bud, it’s me. What’s wrong?” He put his hands on Jamie’s shoulders and he immediately leaned in, sobbing into his shirt. Jordie rubbed a hand up and down his back to try to soothe him, but he was shaking so hard he wasn’t sure he even felt it.

  
“Hey, hey. I’m here.”

 

“H-he… he hates m-me! I messed up and I can't do this and…” the rest was muffled and Jordie had half a mind to go down the hall and punch the little punk. Tyler obviously didn’t care about his brothers feelings and Jamie was way to emotionally concerned to do anything right now. 

 

“Hey Jam, listen to me. Everything's gonna be alright, ok? I promise.” he wish he hadn't promised. He can’t force anything. 

 

“Stay here, ok? Mom and dad are outside if you wanna go in the car, but I know you still have to pack some stuff. Just… calm down, listen to music, sleep. I’ll be right back.”

 

Jamie watched helplessly as his brother barreled out of the room. He was so, so tired.

 

\----

 

“Tyler fucking Seguin, get your ass over here.” Jordie saw him at the edge of the trail and ran up to him. Tyler spun around, wiping his tears on his sleeve. He didn’t even know  _ why _ he was crying or when it went from watery eyes to full blown tears. He was feeling all too much to concentrate on one emotion. Jordie caught up to him and stared him down.

 

“What the fuck are you doing?”

 

Tyler squirmed. He was still crying. 

 

“I don’t… I don’t know.”

 

“Why’d you walk out?” Jordie was stepping in closer now, cornering him against a tree. 

 

Tyler sniffed and looked around. It was only them, everyone else was in class.

 

“I don’t… I don’t know what to do.” He looked down ashamed and willed his shaky voice to stop. He was confused and nervous and just… he didn’t  _ know.  _ He didn’t know what he was supposed to do or how to act or what to feel. He was  _ sixteen _ . He doesn’t know anything. 

  
  
  
  
  


Scratch that.

 

He knows he loves Jamie, at least. Maybe it’s not love. But he’s happy around him and laughs at all his jokes and feels a sense of pride when they play great hockey together.

 

He’s pulled out of his thoughts by Jordie shoving him against the tree. 

 

“You can either fix this or--”

 

“I’ll… Let me go talk to him. Just. It’s a lot, but I still like Jamie. I’m just confused I guess, or something… I don’t know.”

 

\----

 

When he walked back in, Jamie’s eyes were red rimmed, but he’d managed to throw together a backpack of things to take back. 

 

“Jamie…” Tyler’s voice sounded foreign to himself and he wasn’t really sure what he was about to say.

 

Jamie looked up and frowned, taking a small step back.

 

“I don’t… I don’t really know much about it. Or anything really. But I like you… a lot.” He blushed, “and I don’t want to stop talking to you or getting to know you, so… I just…. I don’t care, is what I’m saying. Well-- obviously I  _ care _ , but it doesn’t change anything. I still like you and you’re still Jamie and I’m willing to learn and you can talk to me and…” he took a deep breath.

 

“This year has been amazing. I feel like I’ve played my best and I’ve been so happy getting to be your friend. I love hanging out with you and um…” he motioned with his hand, giving a vague gesture to ‘being boyfriends’ or ‘dating’. 

 

“I like you. I’m sorry I walked away. I just…” he finally looked up and frowned. Jamie had tears streaming down his face and a wobbly smile on his lips.

 

“Come here.” he rasped, dropping the backpack he was holding.

 

Tyler walked over slowly, not sure what was happening. But then, Jamie reached out and pulled him into a hug. He held on so tightly with one arm that Tyler was sure it might break too. 

 

“Thank you.” he finally whispered, pulling back and kissing him softly. 

 

Tyler smiled. They’d be okay. Life’s nothing without a few obstacles.


	21. Epilogue

“Uh, can you see the light? Is it blinking?”

 

“Golly, I dunno Tyler. Maybe if you could move your air he--”

 

“Got it! I see it now. Blinking red light means its on!”

 

The camera came into focus as Tyler pulled it away from his face. He still had bedhead, but he’d managed to at least brush his teeth.

 

“Alright, ready?”

 

Jamie scrubbed a hand over his face.

 

“I mean yeah, I guess.”

 

“Great! Ok 1, 2, 3. Hey guys! I’m Tyler and I’m here with my lovely boyfriend…”

 

“Jamie.”

 

“And today is a very special day because…”

 

Jamie smiled, his nose wrinkling up and his eyes bright.   
  
“I’m getting my first t shot today.”

 

Tyler cheered and then the camera got even shakier. He leaned over and pecked Jamie on the lips before babbling on about Jamie’s birthday dinner the day before. 

 

A few weeks before school ended, Tyler came out to his parents. He told them about Jamie and how they’d grown over the year, and he’d convinced them to let him fly out to Victoria to visit over his birthday week.

 

Jamie had walked into the bathroom to put on his binder and boxers, but walked out to finish getting ready. They’d talked a lot about Jamie. About his comfort and dysphoria and everything in between. At some point, Jamie had gotten comfortable enough to wear his binder in front of Tyler. He wore his shirt most of the time, obviously, but times like these when he was deciding what to wear, he was kinda ok with not having a shirt on. 

 

“Mmmm.” Tyler came up behind him, wrapping his arms around Jamie’s waist and pressing against his back. He hooked his head over his shoulder, that was healed up quite nicely now. 

 

“I think I like the blue one.” Tyler pointed to a shirt in the corner of his closet.

 

Jamie chuckled.

 

“Yeah, that’s because it's  _ your _ shirt.”

 

Tyler smiled and closed his eyes.

 

“Maybe, maybe not. I think you look cute in it, though.”

 

Jamie rolled his eyes and pulled it off the hook, squirming away to put the shirt on. 

 

\----

 

Tyler’s hand was a little shaky, but no one else could really do much better. They’d managed to convince the nurse to let the whole family  _ and  _ Tyler in the room. They may or may not have convinced them that he was one of theirs. 

 

“Ok, it's videoing.”

 

Jamie looked into the camera, a wide smile on his lips. He took the syringe from the nurse and glanced around. Everyone was holding their breath. As soon as he dipped the plunger in, they all cheered loudly and Jamie’s smile broke out into laughter. He looked up at his family, and Tyler, and thanked his lucky stars that he had them. 

 

“How does it feel?” Tyler asked later that night, when they were cuddled up on the couch watching The Breakfast Club.

  
Jamie shrugged, but he had a soft smile. 

 

“It feels good, I think. I’m happy.”

 

Tyler leaned closer and rested his head on his shoulder.

 

“I’m happy too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well, this is it :(  
> thank you all for reading this story! it was so fun to write and i loved hearing your feedback!!! i may add short stories later on and make this have multiple parts, if yall would like!!!


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